Shadow Sides

2009-10-22T22:22:00.001-07:00

Started Paxil tonight. We'll see how it goes.

Trip to the Psychiatrist

2009-10-20T21:42:00.001-07:00

My psychiatrist continues to press me about adding an additional anti-depressant to my routine. Something about taking three meds is causing me a mental and emotional block. I just don't want to do it. I've given this a lot of thought and I really don't know why.

And truth be told, I am probably continuing to struggle with more depression than I want to admit. It gets really old to go about my day - practically every day - with a constant stream of self-harm thoughts. Some days the thoughts are more intense than others, but there is an almost constant din in my mind.

And it tires me out.

I know that feelings eventually pass with time and that it's not good to make major life decisions when I'm in this state of mind. Even so, I find myself feeling very alone.

The Dream Killer

2009-10-13T15:06:00.001-07:00

A few months ago my husband was "let go" from his job. Our health insurance will run out in about five months. (Right now we're on COBRA, 2/3 of which is being subsidized by his former employer.) And I'm REALLY starting to feel stressed about the thought of losing our health insurance.

The thought of hundreds of dollars of medication each month and visits to the psychiatrist...

Well, it's keeping me awake at night to say the least.

The nature of my husband's occupation largely lends itself to contract work, which doesn't generally lend itself to getting health insurance. And since I have a pre-existing condition, I can't buy private insurance. I HAVE to be on a group plan.

See the dilemma?

The impact of this situation hit my husband a couple nights ago. He's worked so hard to make his dream career come true, but it seems like he can't ever connect the dots in quite the right way. I think he's starting to "feel his age" and wondering if this is his last chance to achieve the kind of success he wants. But getting a steady 9-to-5 type job would probably mean letting go of his dreams forever - or at least not having time to pursue them.

He's the kind of guy who will "do the right thing," but it will break his heart all along the way and it hurts my heart to know that my disability has put him in this situation. I wouldn't blame him if he's wishing he had some kind of "rider" on that whole "...in sickness and in health" clause in our wedding vows.

Therapists are Not Magicians

2009-08-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a while. Just a quick thought...

One of the most common errors I have seen is that people who struggle with mental health issues seem to assume that doctors and psychologists are magicians. Newsflash - mental health professionals don't have the power to "make" anyone better.

I like to think of psychologists and psychiatrists as being more like coaches. They point the way. They can give you guidance and feedback. Some coaches are better than others. Some have specialties. Sometimes a coach works for a while and then you outgrow him or her.

Ultimately, however, progress is up to you. Patients are the REAL key to successful treatment.

Stupid Television

2009-05-27T08:18:00.001-07:00

The Fox network has a new show that centers around the adventures of a psych hospital: Mental. Unfortunately, what could be a genuinely interesting, thought-provoking, and helpful show sounds like it's really just an overblown soap opera. Here is a brief review from author and trauma therapist, Robin Shapiro.

"Mental" is Terrible

There's a new fantasy show on Fox: Mental. It's supposed to take place in an inpatient psych unit.

So, first, the new head of psychiatry strips down in a room full of clients to connect with a psychotic guy who has pulled his clothes off. Later, he breaks into a woman's house in order to check out his hunch that her schizophrenic brother is an artist. And he thinks it's a good idea for his patients to go cold turkey off their antipsychotic medications. And he doesn't lose his contract, immediately.

All the psychiatrists are cute. All the patients are reasonable. The families just don't understand. And the residents and other psychiatrists have endless time to spend with their clients. Oh, and they invented a radical new idea: intensive outpatient day treatment.

I saw bad treatment, silly ideas, and a romanticization of extreme mental illness. I saw nearly every 1960's cliche possible. It's really bad. Except that all the psychiatrists are cute. And the new head of psychiatry looks to be about 32. That would happen, too.

I'm hoping the show will bomb in the ratings and go away quickly. One thing the world doesn't need is one more reason not to get professional help for psychiatric disorders.

Breakthrough

2009-05-26T08:28:00.000-07:00

Ever hear that saying, "It's always darkest before the dawn"? I know it's a cliche, but every cliche has a degree of truth. And in the situation of dealing with in therapy recently, it's very true.

My psychologist and I have been working through a huge issue the last several months - getting to a point of feeling safe enough in therapy that I can disclose more of myself. I hadn't realized how much my previous experiences in therapy 20 years ago were so traumatic, and consequently, holding back progress in my current situation. Processing these experiences has been the focus of our brainspotting/EMDR sessions in the last month or so.

This is what led to much distress for me. As all of those feelings rose to the surface, chaos followed. But really, that's to be expected. Those traumas haven't been properly "filed" in my brain yet. They've just sort of been floating around. Bringing them to the forefront temporarily is the only way to truly deal with them.

So, it should really be no surprise that the very experience of going to therapy has become semi-traumatic for me recently. It feels like I'm constantly reliving my experiences from 20 years ago. But when I abruptly left session a couple weeks ago and then played hooky the following Monday, I felt empowered enough to go back last Wednesday. My therapist didn't lash out at me. She wasn't mad. All of the things that I had experienced in the past now had a new response. I could essentially write a NEW history. I felt freer than I ever have in 5 years of therapy with her.

I said something toward the end of the session that provided another breakthrough. I said something to the effect that I knew that giving the appearance of caring about me was part of her routine. She said something to the effect, "Huh? What do you mean?" That led to a conversation the following day about how my first therapist told me once that it wasn't her job to actually care about me, only to give me the appearance that she cared.

Now you have to understand, my current psychologist is extremely professional. She rarely shows any kind of emotion, which makes her hard for me to read at times. But in that moment, I saw of look of, "WTH? Are you kidding me?!" Then, she quickly recovered and said, "Is that what you think I do?" Yeah, I guess I did. I thought that pretty much everything she has done for the last five years has been pretense and pretending. I've wanted to believe she genuinely cares, she gives every indication that she does, but the words of my previous therapist were holding me back.

In that moment, I finally actually believed that she cares, truly cares, about me. And that, I think, will become the foundation for being able to move on to the next round of EMDR. Now the question becomes, which trauma seems the most urgent for me to process next?

It's in situations like this that I'm reminded how much courage it takes to face mental illness. But I've had enough successes to know that it really is darkest before a significant breakthrough. Chaos, when dealt with properly, can truly lead to healing.

Well, duh...

2009-05-19T22:47:00.000-07:00

Do we really need a scientific study to tell us this?

"Bipolar patients often relapse: study"

Seriously? We didn't know this already?

Detaching

2009-05-18T22:57:00.000-07:00

I played hooky from therapy today. I flat out didn't want to go. EMDR is just so intense. And after the fiasco last Thursday, I felt like I needed a break. But, of course, instead of just rationally telling my psychotherapist that I need a break, I emotionally detached from her and sent her a text that I wasn't coming.

Lame. Really lame.

I'm going to try and get up my courage to go on Thursday.

Updates

2009-05-16T22:51:00.000-07:00

I finally saw the psychiatrist last week. He wants to try me on Lexapro again, to see if that will get me out of this depression I've slipped into. I'm not thrilled with this idea. I went through that routine back in January of 2006. Lexapro made me so manic that I didn't sleep for five days. It was awful - almost as bad as when I was on Cymbalta, which made me want to beat up my children and punch holes in the wall.

I'm kind of balking on this idea at the moment and haven't filled the prescription yet. Meanwhile, however, I know that what I'm taking doesn't seem to be enough. Between all of the intensity of EMDR, struggles at work, a strain on my relationship with a close friend, and my medication malfunction, I'm kind of a basket case at the moment.

Meanwhile I just keep plugging along. I haven't gotten fired from my job and my husband still wants to be married to me, so it can't be all bad, right?

Trapped

2009-05-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I went to therapy this morning, just like I do every Thursday. We've been processing a bunch of memories from trauma with a previous therapist. It's been hard, intense, and overwhelming at times, but overall I think I've been managing things pretty well.

But something happened toward the end of today's session. Something was triggered.

I started panicking. I didn't want to leave because I had this overwhelming feeling that I was going to harm myself, like run out in traffic or something. My therapist's office is on a super busy road, so it was easy to envision that happening. It was awkward because we needed to end the session, but she could see that I was clearly in distress and she was worried about me. And rightly so, I think. I was in no state of mind to have clear thoughts at that moment.

She offered to let me sit in her waiting room while she did her next session. I thought this sounded like a good idea. I promised her I wouldn't leave (read, run out in traffic). At first, I was ok and I was able to calm down. But after a while, I started really feeling trapped. I wanted to leave. My feelings of wanting to harm myself intensified. My panic returned.

When she completed her next session, she came out to check on me and see if I wanted to come back in for another session. I came in for a minute, but then asked her if I could go home. Reluctantly, she let me go.

I felt like I was 5.

It was weird.

In the end, I know that was the right thing to do, but now I'm so detached from her that I never want to go back. What's that about?

EMDR Update

2009-05-06T19:33:00.001-07:00

So after several months of failed attempts of doing EMDR, my therapist and I kind of gave up. Then, annoyingly, my good friend (who also suffers from post-traumatic stress) started therapy and did EMDR on her third appointment. I was pretty frustrated.

So my psychologist and I decided to give it another try. This time we started doing a variation on EMDR called brainspotting. Basically, I stare at the end of a pointer for about 30 minutes.

What has really surfaced for me is how much my previous experiences in therapy have been hindering me from making progress in my current treatment situation. So, we have started to process these experiences. And I have to say, I do think this is helping. The last two days have especially been better.

I think it's going to take a while to process all the trauma in my past, but I'm all for being diligent if it works. I actually feel like there is hope of resolution of my past.

Starting to Wonder...

2009-05-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously starting to wonder whether my meds just aren't working anymore. I have been obsessively suicidal and depressed for several weeks now - and nothing bad is happening in my life! It's damn frustrating!

I'm hoping I can get to the psychiatrist soon and talk to him about this annoying situation.

About My Dad

2009-04-27T13:43:00.001-07:00

Today I stumbled across this excerpt from Carrie Fisher's autobiography, Wishful Drinking. It's hysterical. I haven't actually read her book, but maybe I'll check it out from the library.

Anyways, that made me look up Carrie's blog. She had a great passage on there about her dad, Eddie Fisher. I could have just as easily written it about my own dad. It really sums up my thoughts about him.

But to get back to my father, he is an incredibly charming man, blessed, for the most part, with an upbeat disposition. Finding delight in places that others might overlook. Which no doubt contributed to his lifelong success with women. He asks his nurses to marry him or be his girlfriend—still the ladies man at 80. The pursuit and appreciation of women having been and continuing to be the guiding passion of his life.
He could hardly be accused of having been the greatest of fathers. Todd and I saw him perhaps once a year, if that. Same thing with his other two children by Connie Stevens, Joely and Trisha.
Still—–, he wasn’t a BAD father, by any means. Never mean or critical —–just a boyish man really, well intended, but absent for the most part—– endlessly distracted by the parade of women that crowded his bed and his life.
But whatever kind of father he may have been in the past, I enjoy being a good daughter in the present. In large part because I’m fairly certain he likes it too—–lighting up whenever I visit. And, as many of you no doubt know, a shine like that is frequently infectious.

Now if I could just explain this to my mother...

To Facebook or Not To Facebook?

2009-04-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

My husband has recently set up a Facebook page. He's been having all kinds of fun looking up old high school and college chums and seeing what they're up to. He's been encouraging me to do the same.

I'm not quite as ready to get on the Facebook bandwagon.

See, here's my thing. I'm not real keen on reminiscing about my past. In fact, there's a lot of stuff in my past I'd just as soon forget.

Or, to be more accurate, there are a lot of people I'd prefer forget me.

Why would I want them to remember what a mental patient I was? What's fun about that? Not a hell of a lot, if you ask me.

That being said, I will say that God has been bringing some people back into my life lately from my high school years. This has forced me to face some of those old fears and confess the truth to them about my chaotic past. To my surprise, they have been very supportive. In fact, in all three cases, sharing my experiences has helped them deal with a situation in their own lives.

I'm a Bad Wife

2009-02-22T21:03:00.001-08:00

I feel terrible. Tomorrow is my husband's 40th birthday. I didn't plan a party for him. GOING to parties is stressful for me. PLANNING a party would be completely overwhelming. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal because his parents are here and we will have some kind of celebration with the family.

I guess I was wrong.

He's hurt (I think), but won't even talk to me about it. I feel terrible and have no way of trying to come up with an acceptable alternative because he won't talk to me about it.

It's at times like this that I really HATE having the psychological challenges that I do. Normally, the limitations only affect me. But this time, they hurt someone I care about very much.

The Winding Road

2009-02-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

I haven't had much to report lately. Same old thing. Therapy twice a week. EMDR. Trying to learn how to feel attached and not freak out while learning how to be physically absent from someone also without freaking out.

In other news, I have decided it's time to get real with myself about my addiction to food. And I'm not using that word in a flippant way. Food is something that I use to comfort myself. I have taken pride in the fact that I don't have addictions to alcohol or drugs. But my food addiction has sort of passed right by me.

So I have been trying to focus some thought on getting insight into what food is about for me. The best I've been able to come up with so far is that food has been a constant companion with me through all the turmoil of my life. I haven't been to control who's in my life or who's abandoned me, but I could control what I put in my mouth. It truly feels like it is a compulsion for me at times.

With this awareness, I'm trying to be more mindful of what I'm eating and why I'm eating. I can see that this is going to be a long haul, but for the sake of my health, it's a journey I need to begin.

Making Amends

2009-01-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

There is a good article in the current issue of BP (bipolar) magazine about trying to make amends with those who have been hurt by the chaos induced from your disease.

"The Power of Amends"

I especially liked the sidebar in the article.

TIPS FOR HEALING
Bipolar disorder is what you have, not who you are. You still must live with it, stand up to it, accommodate yourself to it, resist it, accept it, manage it. Separating yourself from the problem in this way will allow your true character to help you decide how you want to live with your illness and its consequences. Stability begets stability.
Apologize—genuinely, sincerely, deeply, specifically, and directly.
Make reparations as best you can.
Try to accept responsibility.
Redouble your efforts to do the right and virtuous things to show that whatever behaviors you exhibited were the exception, not the rule.
Remain humble and well-connected to treatment and find the best treatment providers you can.
Everyone makes mistakes, but avoid repeatedly making the same mistakes.
Strive to demonstrate good character by being responsible, reliable, trustworthy, competent, and focused.
Recognize that rebuilding trust is a process, a staircase to climb at times, not an event.

I couldn't agree more with the point that making amends is usually a process, not a one-time event. I heard Patty Duke say once the one thing that still haunts her is the pain she caused her children as a result of her disease before she was diagnosed. Her older son, Sean Astin said some rather nice things about her, which I find rather remarkable given the rough times he must have endured. I hope my children will be as forgiving someday.

My own struggle with making amends with my loved ones is on-going. Some relationships have been repaired. Others have been lost. Much progress has been made in the last few years to repair the damage I did in the first 13 years of my marriage. Even so, there are some things that seem irreparable. I try to hold out hope for complete forgiveness, but some days (especially lately) I feel very discouraged.

Guilt is a difficult emotion to deal with. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Making amends relieves some of the pressure, especially when people are gracious enough to forgive me and see enough value in our relationship to move forward and build new memories.

In Mourning

2008-12-28T19:21:00.001-08:00

I am continuing to silently mourn the loss of my friend, M - while feigning happiness to those around me, especially my friend/boss, P. What a freakin' mess.

I am praying the Lord will somehow work in this situation and salvage my friendship with M. Either that, or reveal a side of her that I haven't seen. Maybe I was deluded after all (but I refuse to believe that until I have concrete evidence). Humanly speaking, that seems impossible. But I sincerely believe M is a godly woman and wants right things and I just have to believe that somehow God will be glorified through this mess.

I returned M's Christmas present to the store. Broke my heart.

Imploding

2008-12-20T20:53:00.001-08:00

Well, things are still unfolding in my situation with my best friend (we'll call her P). Here's the longer version of what's been going on.

Basically, the whole thing started several months ago. I have been getting to know a new friend (we'll call her M). M and I have a lot of fun together. She is the first person I've ever had in my life who I can relate to in terms of my psychological struggles. This is largely because she's dealt with many of the same issues. But the relationship worked because M is spiritually mature enough to have an eternal perspective on these difficult circumstances. We always tried to keep each other's focus on the Lord rather than what has been challenging for us.

The complication is that M works at the same place as P and I. Adding to the complication is that P is also my supervisor at work.

M has many wonderful traits, but being tactful isn't one of them. Unfortunately, she framed a dispute with P in such a way as it came across as insulting. (Personally, I didn't think it was disrespectful, but P did and I guess that's pretty much all that matters.) This incident became another in a line of evidences in P's mind that M is simply not a person of good character and a bad influence on me. Personally, I don't see it this way. Personally, I think P is way overreacting. Is M perfect? No. She does have problems. But so do all of us.

After a week of attachment anxiety and hard conversations with P, it came down to one thing - either I accepted P's version of reality so that I could preserve my job or I stayed loyal to my friendship to M and risk losing all of the respect I have worked so hard over the last three years to regain. Needless to say, it was not an easy position to be in.

So, I wrote a loooooong letter to P apologizing for putting her in an awkward position, plus I made up some other stuff to apologize for. (After knowing her for four years, I pretty much know what "buttons" to push.) I made it sound very contrite. Then I wrote a note to M basically saying I had miscommunicated some things to her about P and urged her to drop the matter.

Unfortunately, M didn't follow that advice. She continued to pursue it. This, in turn, fed into P's judgment that M is unstable. In fact, P has even gone so far as to tell me that "M is not your friend," the implication being that M has been pretending on some level to be my friend all of these months and is now trying to paint me in the worst possible light to my superiors. Personally, I don't believe this, but I have to pretend that I do.

Meanwhile, I have hurt M deeply and violated her trust - something I promised her I would never do. I feel overwhelmed with guilt not to mention incredibly sad about the loss of a wonderful friendship. I also feel emotionally blackmailed by someone who has had an incredible positive influence in my recovery (P), but now seems to be unable to let me "grow up" and make my own choices.

My decision would have been totally different if P wasn't my supervisor and if we didn't all work together. I would have been more candid with P regarding my belief that she is being controlling and unfair toward M. But that conversation just wasn't meant to be - at least not right now. God has put me in this situation at this time for a reason, as painful as it may be.

In my mind, however, this is not over. Not by a long shot. If I'm ever in a position of being able to quit this job, the first thing I will do is go to M and tell her everything that has happened. Right now, I suspect she's extremely confused and angry at me, which makes me sadder than words can say.

Acute Attachment Anxiety

2008-12-07T11:55:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, my situation since Friday has gotten worse. I called my psychologist this morning before church. I thought it would be wise to let her know what's going on with me. Her assessment is that I am experiencing "acute attachment anxiety" because I am fearful that I am losing a key foundational attachment, namely my adopted "mom." I guess that is psychologist-speak for I'm freaking out!

Right now, my goals are to stay safe and not engage in self-harm and not to communicate with her in this state of mind because it would probably make things worse. I don't want to fall into old patterns of manipulative behavior in order to bully her into not ending the relationship.

And then again, maybe the situation seems worse in my head than it really is. It wouldn't be the first time.

I Give Up

2008-12-05T20:05:00.000-08:00

This has been one of those days that I'd just as soon forget.

On and off, I have the same frustrations about communicating with my best friend. You know those situations where you feel like you keep running into the same roadblock and not making any progress? I've always sort of endured it because I really didn't know any better and figured the problems were all with me. But now that I am getting healthier and making new friends, I am wondering whether this relationship isn't as good for me as I initially thought. Or maybe that it used to fill a specific need for me that I have now outgrown.

Without getting into a long explanation about this, suffice it to say that I'm about "this close" to just letting the relationship die a slow, natural death due to neglect. I honestly feel like I'm at the end of what I can stand. She can raise her voice with me, then send me a sweet email, then I respond gratefully, then send me back a stinging email. It's deeply confusing. And for someone like me with such huge abandonment issues, it's like having someone f--- with my brain all the time.

I'm in full-blown trauma mode at the moment. It's good that I know this, however. That will prevent me from making any overly stupid decisions.

I'll just lay low for a few days and see if my emotions even out.

Abortion Connection?

2008-11-29T20:36:00.000-08:00

Here's a story that probably won't make it to the mainstream press:

"Mental illness risk ‘rises 30 per cent for women who have abortions’"

Women who have an abortion are three times more likely to develop a drug or alcohol addiction and 30 per cent more likely to have mental disorders compared with other women, research has revealed.

The evidence from two studies comes as the number of women having an abortion in England and Wales exceeded 200,000 for the first time last year.

Here is a link to the journal where the scientific study has been published: "Abortion and mental health disorders: evidence from a 30-year longitudinal study."

Pharmaceutical Mishap

2008-11-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share a recent experience I had with my medication, just in case it might help someone else.

A few weeks ago, I had to transfer one of my prescriptions to a different pharmacy. (It was a logistical issue. I couldn't make it to my normal pharmacy.) When I picked it up later in the day, I immediately noticed that the pills looked different than usual. They were smaller and smooth, instead of chalky. I have been taking this medication for three years and the pills have always looked the same, even when I switched from the name brand to the generic. But the pills from the new pharmacy were noticeably different. I didn't really think much of it at the time. I figured pills are pills.

Within a couple days, however, I started experiencing intense depression. And as each day melted into the next, the depression deepened. I felt seriously suicidal, but for no apparent reason. There hadn't been any particular trigger in my life that would have caused this to happen. I was suddenly swept back into a flood of intense emotions that I hadn't felt in three years. I used to live every day of my life, practically every waking moment, resisting the urge to harm myself. After not feeling those feelings for three years, and then suddenly being thrown back into them, now looking back I don't know how I managed to survive. I always told people it was a miracle. Now, I think I need a stronger word than "miracle". I can't think of one, but you get the idea.

So anyways, I called my psychologist that weekend and told her what was going on. I honestly started wondering whether I should check myself into the hospital for my own protection. That's how bad it was. Her big thing is to always try and pinpoint the trigger in situations like this. But like I said, there was nothing I could point to.

And then it clicked in my head - the pills. The only thing I had changed was that prescription. So I went back to the pharmacy and asked them why these pills were different than my old pills. I showed the pharmacist an example of each. She basically blew me off by telling me all the pills are the same.

But my psychologist didn't believe it. She urged me to call the psychiatrist. He was skeptical, too.

By the next day, I became determined to get to the bottom of this issue. Otherwise, I was going to have to go to the hospital. So I called my insurance company and explained the situation. I told them that I needed another prescription of pills from my usual pharmacy.

Denied.

I explained to "the woman" on the phone that this need was urgent. I told her that the issue was not that the pills upset my stomach or that I didn't like the color. I was suicidal. She put me on hold for several minutes. Then, she came back on...

Denied again.

So, I asked to immediately be assigned to a "case manager" so I could appeal this decision (my psychologist suggested I do this). "The woman" was surprised. She tried to tell me that there was no such thing as a "case manager." So I pulled out my last card. I said, "Look, here's the deal... Either you're going to get me some new pills today, or I am going to check into the hospital. And I'm sure you can see in your records there that the last time I went into the hospital, it cost your company $40,000."

Well, suddenly, "the woman" had the magical ability to grant me a new prescription. Amazing. She called the psychiatrist's office while I was on the phone, they called the prescription into the pharmacy right away, then I picked it up shortly after that. The best news is, it worked! I started feeling better within 24 hours.

I saw my psychiatrist this week and filled him in on what happened. He was shocked. He said that he had never had a case like this in his practice before. He had other cases where one brand of generic would upset a person's stomach while a different one wouldn't, or one would cause different side affects than other. But nothing this severe. I told him that it honestly felt like I was taking nothing.

The moral of the story is, there are not only differences between generic and name brand meds, but there can also be differences between generics made by different companies. Now I know that I need Wellbutrin manufactured by Watson. Other brands don't work on me. Literally.

So if you're out there, struggling to figure out what med combination works for you, keep in mind that just because one brand of a med didn't work, doesn't mean that a different brand of that same med won't.

Celebrity Rehab 2

2008-11-20T20:58:00.001-08:00

My favorite show, Celebrity Rehab, is back for another round. If you get VH1, it's definitely worth a watch.

Britney's Mental Illness

2008-11-05T21:06:00.000-08:00

Did you catch the cover of this week's Life & Style magazine?

This, my friends, is what the general population think of as the "face" of mental illness. Do you think people would buy this magazine based on this cover? Or would most people consider this topic to be a total "downer"?

Is this Good News?

2008-10-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

I have been following the trials and travails of the mental health parity bill for quite a while now. This is largely due to the fact that my psychologist is considered an "out-of-network" provider by my insurance company and I'm paying a fortune in cash to see her every week. To be able to get some relief from that would be awesome.

Well, in all the insanity of Congress trying to pass the "bailout" bill, the mental health bill became one of the "attachments". So, parity did pass and is now law. What I can't figure out based on any of the news stories is when it will take effect.

The more I read about the bill, however, this may not even matter. I'm starting to think this legislation is a bunch of smoke and mirrors; nothing is actually going to change.

It starts off sounding really good:

Sen. Pete Domenici, R-N.M., has spent years fighting for legislation that would require insurance plans to treat mental health patients on par with those who have physical ailments. No more higher copays or deductibles for the mental health treatments. No more limits on visits to the doctor that differ from the caps for other patients.

But then, there are the exceptions:

The legislation does not mandate that group health plans cover mental health or addiction treatment, only that when plans do so, the coverage must be equitable to other medical coverage. The insurance industry is now a strong supporter of the parity legislation.

Well, of course, the insurance companies got behind the bill. Now they have a giant loophole of not needing to cover mental health AT ALL. Duh!

And then, there is this exemption:

The requirement for equal treatment in insurance coverage would apply to health plans that cover more than 50 employees — potentially reaching 113 million people nationwide.

Sadly, I think this is yet another government attempt to look like they are doing something to help people, but are actually being bribed by insurance companies.

I'm getting to the point of believing all politicians are whores. I'm totally sad for becoming so jaded. I used to actually believe in justice.

Getting Ready for EMDR

2008-09-15T20:53:00.001-07:00

Well, I've had a long enough period of stability now that my psychologist thinks I'm ready to enter a new phase of treatment. She wants to try EMDR on me. This is a fairly new type of treatment that is effectively being used to help people (especially rape victims and soldiers) who suffer from post-traumatic stress. My psychologist says she has seen phenomenal results with some of her patients within a few sessions, giving them a quantum leap forward.

The treatment itself sounds kind of like science fiction, but somehow by stimulating the brain in a certain way through eye movement, it can "unfreeze" the trauma so you stop reliving it over and over again. It actually involves restructuring the brain in ways that talk therapy simply can't.

It doesn't work for everyone and it may cause me to become unstable. But I am taking the calculated risk to try it. Who knows? It might really help resolve some issues once and for all.

I hope to start EMDR within the next couple of weeks. I'll try to remember to make some posts about my progress - or lack of progress.

Glad I'm Not an Olympic Athlete

2008-08-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

Mental illness sufferers barred from Olympics

Stupid Commies...

Reality Check

2008-07-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon my best friend called me into her office at work to tell me that she and her supervisor (who is also the VP of the company) believe that I am exhibiting manic behavior.

This has totally side-swiped me.

As soon as I'm done feeling angry and defensive, I'm sure I'll figure out if she's right and how I got here.

It seems like every year I struggle with depression in the fall and mania in the summer, no matter how vigilant I am.

UPDATE: After talking to my psychologist, I decided that I am not manic. I went back to my supervisor and explained my perspective to her. She actually believed me and I was commended by my handling of the situation. It really bolstered my confidence to believe in my own perceptions.

Who I Am

2008-07-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted here. Not much to say mostly because there hasn't been much drama. I have actually been stable for an extended period of time now, even though I have had to endure many normal stresses and pressures. I honestly believe that the combination of accountability, psychotherapy, medication, and lack of artificial sweeteners in my life are all working together in a good way to help me keep my life on track. I have even cut way back on psychotherapy, going more on an as-needed basis.

One thing I have really been working on is coming to peace with myself about my past. It doesn't feel so overwhelmingly shameful to me anymore, like I'm going to suffocate if I talk about my issues with same sex attraction. In fact, I've sort of embraced the reality that it's part of who I am. If I have those kinds of thoughts about a woman, I don't have to act on them, just as anyone else doesn't have to act on a lustful thought they may have about someone of the opposite sex. More importantly, I have stayed faithful to my husband for 16 years and I love him very much.

My psychologist says there is still a possibility this issue will resolve itself over time as I continue to grow and develop. But for now, I'm not counting on it. I have just decided to accept the fact that same sex attraction is part of my personal reality. So what? Everyone has to deal with some issue of vulnerability toward sin in their lives. In my opinion, it's better to be aware and choosing than oblivious and defensive.

This issue was jolted to the forefront of my life a couple months ago as I have been developing a new friendship with a co-worker. She is my age (unlike my best friend who is 20 years older than I am). All of those old feelings and patterns of behavior were immediately activated. I felt myself being seductively pulled into a place I knew I should not go. That being said, I knew I didn't want to trash this potential friendship because I saw it as an opportunity to grow beyond myself if I could just weather this initial storm of emotion. And that's pretty much how things have turned out.

I would be foolish to think that my issues with SSA are completely behind me. I have to keep lots of accountability in my life, but it's worth it.

TBL

2008-04-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

I love to watch "The Biggest Loser." It's my favorite show. I've seen every episode of every season. The finale for this season was tonight. A woman finally won! Very cool.

When I watched the previous finale last December, it really got me to thinking about my own struggle with food issues. I have suffered a food addiction for most of my life. It's been a source of on-going frustration for me. But as I have progressed through therapy, I have noticed the problems just kind of lessening on their own. I've lost about 20 pounds since the first of the year. Really slowly. No crazy diet. Just minor lifestyle changes that I can sustain for the rest of my life.

One of the contestants tonight on the Biggest Loser finale made a statement, however, that really made me think. She said that being obese meant she was slowly killing herself. So true. Given the fact, that I was suicidal on almost a daily basis for two decades, I am wondering whether my eating issues were a manifestation of that. That makes a whole lot of sense to me. I haven't destroyed my life through drugs, alcohol, or risky sex. But I have consistently tried to harm myself through my unhealthy eating behaviors. I was trying to kill myself.

And now I'm not. I'm trying to learn how to value and respect myself. It's still a very new concept for me.

My Annual Day of Remembrance

2008-04-08T22:06:00.001-07:00

Today is the fifth anniversary of the worst day of my life. It was the day I almost died.

I won't go into all of the details here, but I'll summarize things by saying that five years ago today, while the world was rejoicing as American soldiers were toppling the statue of Saddam Hussein in Baghdad (remember that?), I was dying of congestive heart failure and a horrible staff infection. In my heart, I said goodbye to my brand new baby, not knowing if I would ever see her again. The doctors sent her home from the hospital without me and admitted me to ICU.

The road to recovery was long and hard. And I never could have done it without my loyal, fearless husband and my in-laws. They are, and always will be, my heroes.

I can tell you without question that staring death in the face and surviving changed me. It changed me in ways that I am still grappling with understanding.

Everyday, I thank God I lived to raise my children. Five years ago today, I didn't think I would.

Collateral Damage

2008-04-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

I lost contact with a good friend about two and a half years ago. Or, at least I thought she was a good friend. The last time I saw her was when I was in the psychiatric hospital. She came to visit me. It was brief and awkward. After that, she no longer responded to my calls or emails. I guessed she no longer wanted to be my friend.

Today, I stumbled onto her blog.

Apparently, she is mentally ill.

I guess it's probably best we are no longer friends. Two friends who are both mentally ill probably isn't such a good idea.

I'm still sad. I miss her friendship.

Manic Update

2008-03-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

So how am I doing? Well, it depends. What does it depend on? What moment it is.

For the last 48 hours, I have been totally manic. My mind is spinning a thousand miles an hour. I thought I was going to stay this off, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. So now I am relegated to damage control.

I should write a book: How to be Manic and Not Screw Up Your Life. I'm high as a kite and feel totally unbeatable. And I know I'll probably crash in a few days and feel like I got run over by a train. In the meantime, my goal is to stay safe, be accountable to others, take my medication, and not make any stupid choices that will have permanent consequences.

I put my credit card away so I can't go on a shopping spree.

I took sleeping pills the last two nights in order to force me to sleep. That's what they did to me in the psych hospital.

I am trying not to spend time alone as much as possible.

Preventing Cycling

2008-03-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what's going on with me right now. I started having problems a couple weeks ago, feeling like I might start cycling. I have been under some added stress at work, which can be a trigger for me. But I took some steps that have worked for me in the past to stop the cycling. I cut down on my work hours temporarily by not working at home - limiting my work activities to only the office.

And I really thought everything was getting better. But now, I haven't slept in three nights. My thoughts are racing all night long. I am forcing myself to stay in bed and not get up to do things during the night, even though I feel like I want to get up and clean the closet. I have enough experience to know, however, doing that will only make things worse.

I am also having some severe problems with my mind being consumed with voices and images of self-harm. This isn't anything new. I have struggled with this almost on a daily basis for over 20 years. But most of the time, the voices are in the background and I can go about my normal life by ignoring them. And as long as I don't visit any sporting goods stores without a chaperone, things are fine. But every once in a while, the voices become more intense. And I'm going through a period like that right now. And ignoring a voice in my head that is constantly telling me to harm myself is flat out exhausting. But like I said, I have a lot of experience doing this and I'm not worried about acting out.

What's especially frustrating to me at the moment, however, is that I can't figure out what could have triggered all this. Usually there is a clear moment or situation when things became worse and once I understand and explore that stressor, things become better. But because there is no apparent trigger, then it's much more worrisome to me - largely because that's the kind of situation that eventually led to me being in the hospital in 2005. I eventually figured out that my medication was out of whack, which in turn caused my brain to start freaking out. That then caused me to have non-stop suicidal obsessions which basically took over my entire life. It was a horrible, dark time. But at least I understand what happened a lot better now and I'm not wasting a bunch of time being in denial telling myself that "nothing is happening." I talked to my psychologist right away and have been taking proactive steps to stay on top of this.

At this point, I'm trying not to panic. I'm continuing to do all of the things that have helped me manage my situation in the past. I'm praying the Lord will give me insight to something I'm not seeing. Most importantly, I guess, I'm trusting in the Lord. I've been through worse and He has sustained me. Whatever happens, I know I'll get through it.

Celebrity Rehab

2008-03-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

I recently discovered the show "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew" on VH1. Oh my gosh is that ever a powerful show. Basically, several B-List celebrities enter a residential rehab program for 19 days. You follow them from detox to graduation. It is raw. It is real. And it is powerfully encouraging. You find yourself rooting for them to make the right choices, hoping they will stay sober.

If you get a chance to catch the re-runs, it's definitely worth a Tivo.

Manic Mouse

2008-03-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

Interesting write up on Science Daily today about more progress in scientists' understanding of bipolar disorder.

"Bipolar Disorder: Manic Mouse Made With One Gene Missing"

Here are a few excerpts from the Science Daily piece:

A major limitation to progress in research and treatment has been the lack of an appropriate animal model for BPD. This work was developed to create such a model based on a genetically engineered defect in the GluR6 gene...

Until now, the role of GluR6 in regulating the mood swings of BPD has been unknown. Furthermore, the gene encoding the GluR6 receptor has recently been linked to treatment emergent suicidal ideation with antidepressants in a pharmacogenetic study...

The mice underwent a series of tests designed to approximate the symptoms of mania. The researchers found that mice that were missing the GluR6 gene exhibited many of these symptoms...

Here is a link to the research article: G Shaltiel, S Maeng, O Malkesman, B Pearson, R J Schloesser, T Tragon, M Rogawski, M Gasior, D Luckenbaugh, G Chen and H K Manji, "Evidence for the involvement of the kainate receptor subunit GluR6 (GRIK2) in mediating behavioral displays related to behavioral symptoms of mania," Molecular Psychiatry advance online publication (11 March 2008).

House Passes Parity Bill

2008-03-06T09:07:00.000-08:00

It looks like the House finally passed a parity bill. (It's about damn time.)

House approves mental health bill - Yahoo! News

This would require health insurance companies to cover mental illness with some degree of equity as physical illnesses. It will be interesting to see what version of the bill the Senate passes.

I'm not holding my breath. The insurance companies will still find some loophole around this. The truth is, I don't think most insurance companies believe in mental illness yet, or that it's treatable.

Bipolar Blood Test?

2008-02-27T21:05:00.000-08:00

Lots of hub-bub in the news today about an article published in the journal of Molecular Psychiatry concerning the potential to use a simple blood test to diagnose bipolar disorder.

E.S. Gershon, C. Liu1 and J.A. Badner, "Genome-wide association in bipolar," Molecular Psychiatry (2008) 13, 1–2; doi:10.1038/sj.mp.4002117.

I don't understand the science enough to interpret what this article is actually saying, but oh well. Here is the popular news version from Fox.

This at least sounds promising. It might put some of the criticism to rest that bipolar disorder is being over-diagnosed, as well as prevent false diagnoses.

Sweetener Update

2008-02-16T22:04:00.001-08:00

Well, I've been off artificial sweeteners for about six weeks now. I've also been off virtually all sugar, although I still allow myself a sugar splurge once or twice a week. But compared to the fact that I used to eat sweets multiple times a day in various ways, this is quite astonishing.

Actually, it's getting to the point that these things aren't really that appealing to me anymore. I do still wish every so often that I could have a Coke in the afternoon. But then I just think about how sick I would feel when I was done, that it kind of cures me and I move on.

I don't know if this has really made any real difference in my moods, but I'm sure it's a hell of a lot healthier for my body. So it's been a good change.

Brittney Madness

2008-02-02T20:39:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess I should say something about this whole Brittney situation. It's all so pathetic that I have hesitated to enter the fray. But I'm glad to see that people are finally starting to get her some real help. She probably should have been in psychiatric care long ago. But at least she's still alive and better late than never.

Hopefully, Brittney will be receptive to psychotherapy as well. Medication alone is NOT going to "fix" her problems. The difficult thing about psychiatric disorders, however, is that you can't force treatment on people. If a person has a broken leg, you can take them to the hospital and set the leg. The patient doesn't need to put forth much effort to cooperate.

But when it comes to mental illness, it's a whole different ball game. If the patient doesn't want treatment, or doesn't want to cooperate with treatment, or wants to only put forth minimal effort in treatment, he or she isn't magically going to get better. And the trouble is, recovering from mental illness, or even making progress toward management of its symptoms, takes such Herculean efforts that the patient must be willing to endure extended periods of emotional pain. Very, very few are willing to do this. This is why, in my opinion, so few mentally ill people actually make genuine progress toward extended stability and a normal life.

So, to me, the real question for Brittney or anyone else struggling with mental health issues is, Does the person have strong enough character to stick with treatment, even when it's hard and painful? I can't say I'm overly confident about this when it comes to Ms. Spears, but I always try to put faith in my doubts.

Weeding Out Excitotoxins

2008-01-21T21:42:00.000-08:00

I am now in about the fourth week of my quest to give up artificial sweeteners. No Splenda. No Equal. Although I was never one of those people who drank five or six Diet Cokes a day, I did enjoy having Splenda on my cereal in the morning and a Diet soda once a day.

A co-worker told me about six months ago that I should consider taking this step. He is a former chiropractor and his way of being my friend is by giving me advice about different things he think will help my bipolar situation. He sent me several articles summarizing the dangers of using artificial sweeteners, especially for people with brain/neurological disorders. It's a little fuzzy at this point whether these sweeteners actually cause brain disorders such as ADHD and bipolar or whether they exacerbate the problem. Either which way, they aren't good. Just type it into Google. It's actually kind of scary.

Just the thought of giving up artificial sweeteners seemed overwhelming at first. That's why I procrastinated for so long. But after a recent conversation with my dad, I became determined that this is just something I need to do. I had to at least give it a fair shot and see what would happen.

Surprisingly, it hasn't been as traumatic as I thought it would be to make this change. I have noticed that I have a much easier time staying hydrated the right way - by drinking water. I also drink milk now. What a concept! Every once in a while I take a swig of soda just to remind myself what it's like. It tastes horrible! It's like drinking pure syrup. Yuk! I think my taste buds have changed.

More importantly, I have noticed that my moods and my appetite are way, way more stable. Between that and my lamp and medication, I am doing really well. Plus I dropped 10 pounds without even trying. Very cool.

Got It!

2008-01-15T22:35:00.000-08:00

It suddenly hit me yesterday as to why I had such a strong response after my teaching session for the staff at work last Friday. It was really the first time that I had ever really done anything in front of the staff since my whole fiasco two years ago of getting written up for making "inappropriate comments." Basically, it's a little like having post-traumatic stress. What I went through two years ago was so traumatic and unfair for me, and I still don't believe there is a level playing field when it comes to how people treat me, that I am nervous beyond belief that someone will go back to their supervisor, misreport the intent behind something I said, and then I'll get in trouble all over again.

So, what's my choice? I guess I could just give up. But that would kind of suck because I would be missing out on getting to teach which is my favorite thing in the world to do. The other option is to risk. And to try and rebuild trust in myself.

I have decided to risk.

Follow Up

2008-01-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

Following up with the last post...

My mom is so smart. She reminded me that the extra dosage of anti-depressant I have been taking could have contributed to the experience I had the other day at work. I think there is a lot of wisdom in that. So I decided to stop the extra dosage a little early. I only had five left anyways. So it's not a big deal to stop a few days before schedule. Maybe that will help put the brakes on things and get me out of this funk.

I hope so because there is absolutely no good reason I should be having a hard time. Everything is pretty much going well for me. And I'm grateful for that.

In other news, I will see the psychologist on Tuesday after not seeing her for 12 days. Pretty remarkable. I never, ever would have conceived of being able to do that even a few months ago. Very encouraging.

Off Kilter

2008-01-11T20:01:00.000-08:00

Today was the first of a series of lectures I am going to be doing at work for the staff, trying to help them get caught up on what we do and why we exist. I was very excited to do this and have an opportunity to teach. The feedback I got was very encouraging. Everyone felt like the lesson was very valuable.

After that, I went back to my office to try and work. But it became very emotional for me. I just kind of sat at my desk and wanted to cry. I couldn't decide whether I was overcome with sadness or anger. Or both.

It feels incredibly sad for me to have people give me compliments about what a blessing I am as a teacher, when I have so few opportunities to actually teach. I can't decide who I'm more angry at: God or my bosses.

Light Bright

2008-01-05T21:46:00.000-08:00

My best friend gave me a really nice compliment last night. She told me that in the last month (the month I haven't been going to therapy, mind you), I have been the happiest she has ever seen me in the three years she's known me. I just kind of joked and said, "It's that light."

But I actually think she's right. I think I have been doing a lot better. That has been nice considering how hard October was for me.

On a related topic, there was another study in the news this week supporting the use of light therapy for bipolar people.

Some Women With Bipolar Depression Benefit From Bright Light
In this study, women with bipolar depression were given light boxes and instructed on how to use them at home. The women used the light boxes daily for two-week stretches of 15, 30 and 45 minutes. Some patients responded extremely well to the light therapy, and their symptoms of depression disappeared. The responders to light therapy stayed on the light therapy for an additional three or four months. Four patients received morning light, and five used their light boxes at midday. Participants also continued to take their prescribed medications throughout the study period.
The final sentence was especially interesting to me: "Optimal response was observed with midday light therapy for 45 or 60 minutes daily." I usually use my light in the late evening, which has been effective for me. But maybe I'll try to throw in some time in the afternoon as well.

I'm just grateful that I'm getting through winter in a good way, so far.

Can I Stop Being Bipolar Now?

2008-01-02T21:08:00.000-08:00

My New Year's resolution is to not be bipolar anymore. I've made up my mind. After all, it's all in my head anyway. Right? Why not just go with that?

I wish...

Seriously though, I have decided to make a real effort to get off all artificial sweeteners (aspartame, saccharin, Splenda). There is more and more research showing that these chemical concoctions are seriously toxic for the brain and may account, at least in part, for the dramatic leap in bipolar diagnoses. One of my co-workers (who was a sports M.D. in a former life) kindly advised me to do this many months ago. But I thought, "No way!" I have a big thing for Diet Coke. And for Splenda. So weeding this stuff out of my life has been a real challenge.

But I will say that I already notice a difference. I am feeling a lot more "even" (for lack of a better word). The only realistic way I am going to sustain this, however, is if I can get the rest of my family on board. So, I have started brainwashing my eight year old about how awful soda pop is. Thankfully, my husband went through a similar phase a few months ago and he thought it really helped him too so he was very open to this idea.

I am now in search of non-soda alternatives. Obviously, there is water and milk. But what else? I bought some Emergen-C packets at Trader Joe's. They are vitamin packets that you pour into water. It flavors the water like Gatorade without all the sugar. The girls seem to love it. Now I'm on the lookout for more.

Mentally Ill Slurs

2007-12-28T21:47:00.000-08:00

Fifty years ago, it was acceptable to use racial epithets in public life. These days, people lose their jobs for using a racial slur. Just ask Dog Chapman or Don Imus.

I don't consider myself an overly sensitive person when it comes to what people say as side comments about mentally ill people. I mean, should I really get offended that the local coffee house has a drink called "Mocha Madness"? Although it escapes me as to what the marketing appeal is for that name, I'm not going to complain to the manager or anything. But it seems to me that it might be worth pausing to reconsider some of the stereotypes as they relate to the mentally ill, or at least be more aware of them.

When we hear the phrase "mentally ill" we have visions of shock therapy, straightjackets and "rubber rooms." Sadly, these images involve psychiatric treatments that generally aren't even used anymore, but with rare exceptions. (Sidebar - I never saw anyone in a straightjacket when I was in the hospital. Now, they will at times use wrist restraints and isolation rooms, but only when a person is so out of control that they are a danger to themselves or others. And once the person has calmed down, they are let go. It's not like hospitals tie people down and then walk away or lock people up indefinitely. Shock therapy is still used, but only as a last resort for certain kinds of mental illness. It's very, very rare.) But these images have been mainstreamed through prominent films like One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest and A Beautiful Mind. When we hear about "mentally ill" people in the news, it is generally associated with criminals or people who use a psychiatric diagnosis as an excuse to escape moral culpability. And consider these common slang terms that are part of our everyday lingo:

"nutjob"
"crazy"
"psycho"
"funny farm"
"retard"
"cookoo"

These kinds of slurs do irritate me at times, mostly because people are so oblivious to them. I also realize that people aren't intentionally choosing those terms to describe me personally, so I don't take it that way. But I do think that these stereotypes and phrases can play a role in perpetuating negative stigma concerning genuine psychiatric disabilities.

Something to think about...

Good Tidings of Great Chaos

2007-12-25T10:39:00.000-08:00

Ok, I made it to Christmas. The presents are unwrapped. The kids are playing with all their new stuff. And I'm finally resting. All that's left is to go eat a large meal over at my mother's house this afternoon.

I can see why so many mentally ill people struggle to stay on top of taking their medication during the holiday. I'm so freakin' busy, I can hardly think! Much less remember to take a bunch of pills two times a day. I haven't been doing very well at remembering at all! Sometimes, I take my morning medication at 2 in the afternoon and have frequently been forgetting to take my nighttime dosage entirely. It's awful. I'm trying my best to stay on track, but this just feels like a train wreck waiting to happen.

Still another two weeks (at least) until I return to therapy. I seem to still be doing alright. I'm staying stable in spite of my sporadic medication intake. But I thing won't stay that way if I don't get back on course here. I think I will definitely be ready, however, to reconnect with my psychologist once the holidays are over.

In other news, I smashed my pinky finger last night. Oh it hurts! I can tell it's going to hurt quite a while.

A Message From God To You

2007-12-21T07:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, normally I don't open email links, read jokes, or watch videos when people send me stuff. But I made an exception today because my dad asked me to and boy, am I glad I did. This is a wonderfully encouraging message, especially for this season of the year. It's had over 3 million plays on YouTube. If it's not a hoax, it's really powerful. Actually, even if it is a hoax, the message is still powerful. I hope you'll watch it. It's short, only a two minutes or so. Happy Christmas.

Pressing Pause

2007-12-17T22:36:00.000-08:00

I am taking the month of December off from psychotherapy. It's good for me to do this every once in a while. It helps me get perspective on where I'm at and where I still need to go in my treatment.

Of course, given my attachment issues, having separation from my therapist can be challenging at times. But so far, the last three weeks have been alright. That shows me I have come a really long ways. I haven't been this calm in the past when I have taken a short break from therapy.

Another reason for taking a break involves the fact that we have been processing some REALLY intense feelings. It was becoming disruptive to my everyday life and I needed some separation from things for a little while. When I go back, I'll have to decide what I am going to do, whether I have the emotional resources to continue to explore these issues or not.

More specifically, the issues involve my anger concerning my parents' abandonment. It's hard for me to believe that something that happened to me 35 years ago, before I even have conscious memories, has continued to have such a powerful impact on my life. But the scientific research on attachment theory is pretty solid on this issue.

Anger is a pretty powerful emotion and it kind of blind-sided me. I wasn't even really aware of it. And once I became aware of it, I didn't know what to "do" with it. It was to the point that practically every normal exchange I had with my close friends and family felt like a re-enactment of my original abandonment. Even going to therapy made me angry. I felt like my therapist was abandoning me when our sessions were over. I started acting out with people and was quickly becoming a train wreck. Been there. Done that. Not going there again if I can help it!

I made a conscious decision not to discuss this with my husband or best friend because I realize the whole situation is completely distorted and really has nothing to do with them whatsoever. I just need a better way to contain all of those emotions and going to therapy one hour a week just wasn't enough.

But I am hopeful that getting some separation will help my emotions calm down a bit and give me strength to go back and get down to business.

Cross Purposes

2007-12-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

My boss is just about the most unusual person I have ever known. He is a totally innovative thinker, but those of us who are closest to him know that he lacks social grace. In the nine years I've worked for him, he has never once given me a compliment. But I've always resigned myself to the fact that I am working for the Lord, not for a man. And I really do believe God uses my boss to bring people to Christ.

My boss essentially hasn't spoken to me for almost two years. All I've known is that he doesn't like working with me. Lovely thought, isn't it? About six months ago, he was diagnosed with Apberger's syndrome. This seems to have really helped him. He understands himself better and in turn seems to finally be more aware of others' needs.

So when the editors asked me to be one of the peer-reviewers on his newest book, all I could think of was, "Is this some kind of set up to get me fired?" This man hasn't valued my theological input for nine years! Why would he start now?!

I really struggled with how honest to be. There were some things in the manuscript that I found very troubling from a theological standpoint. After talking it over with my husband, I went ahead and wrote my honest comments. As my husband pointed out, what do I have to lose? Things couldn't get much worse between me and my boss.

So anyways, we had our annual staff Christmas party on Wednesday. When my boss saw me, he immediately pulled me aside and said how much he appreciated the comments I gave him on his book. HUH?! Did he just use the word "appreciate"?! I wasn't aware he even knew that word. Then he actually thanked me.

Now, if he would only trust me enough to put me back on the radio show.

Bipolar Two-Year Olds?

2007-12-13T08:18:00.000-08:00

The diagnosis of children being bipolar is so controversial right now. Personally, I'm of the opinion it's being overdiagnosed at the moment. All of the reputable studies I've read say bipolar symptoms don't generally manifest themselves until early to mid-20s. And personally, I think there are a whole lot of lazy parents in the world who want to blame an illness on their own bad parenting.

Yet, I do have sympathy for those parents who struggle to deal with their children's genuine brain disorders. And until brain scan technology reaches a place where it can be used as a legitimate diagnostic tool, we will continue to have to make our best guess based on symptoms.

I was happy to see child psychologist, Dr. John Rosemond, weigh in on this debate in his weekly editorial. If you aren't familiar with Dr. Rosemond, he is like the kinder, gentler version of Dr. Laura. He keeps things real and doesn't let psychology take over the world. I highly recommend his books on parenting. Anyways, here is an excerpt from this week's column.

Is Early-Onset Bipolar Disorder Also Known As 'The Terrible 2s'?

They claim that the disorder is much more prevalent than previously thought. For example, they assert that 80 percent of children with EOBD are found to meet full criteria for attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which is to say most kids who are diagnosed with ADHD also have, or really have, EOBD.

Especially intriguing is the Papolos' proposed list of "very common" symptoms for EODB including separation anxiety, tantrums (especially in response to the word "no"), defiance, hyperactivity, inattentiveness, unpredictable mood swings, and distractibility. Those "symptoms" will be familiar to anyone who has lived with a toddler.

Seemingly, the Papoloses would have us believe that behaviors normally associated with toddlerhood are actually manifestations of a disease that should be treated with drugs that have pronounced negative side effects (e.g., nausea, diarrhea, severe drowsiness, significant weight gain) as soon in the child's life as possible. Are the "terrible 2s" a disease?

Read the rest of Dr. Rosemond's editorial here.

Moral Culpability vs. Biochemistry

2007-12-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

I had the opportunity to share a little bit about my journey through mental illness the other day with a woman I have been getting to know. To my knowledge, she is not a Christian. She has not divulged any information to me about whether she even has any religious beliefs. Her response was interesting, however. As I talked about my story, she kept emphasizing the point that I "couldn't help" my erratic behavior. She seemed to have at least some level of knowledge that there is a physiological connection between the brain and being bipolar. I didn't really know how to respond to that. Although there is an biochemical component to being bipolar, the emotional damage I have inflicted on others is very real for them. I tried to gently point out the fact that even though alcoholism has a physiological component, when alcoholics get sober, part of that process involves making amends to the people in their past they have hurt.

That really got me to thinking. Sure, some mental illnesses, like people who are truly psychotic do not have a grip on reality. But that percentage is really small. The vast majority of mentally ill people can still tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Genetics, biochemistry, and physiology don't nullify moral culpability. Did I ask to be born this way? No. Did I ask to develop a personality disorder? No. Did I ask for an attachment disorder? No. But shit happens! We live in a fallen world. But no matter what, I'm still responsible for my actions - just like everyone else who lives in the same damn fallen world!

If we let mental illness be boiled down merely to a physical issue, then no one will be responsible for their actions. In my mind, that's the road to societal chaos. Frankly, I have seen a lot of mentally ill people act like they are helpless victims. That's just bull. They are helpless against the source of their illness, but they aren't helpless in terms of being an active participant in treatment and changing their behaviors. It's kind of like cancer. Some forms of cancer have a genetic connection. But once the person has been diagnosed, they have the option to participate in the treatment or just roll over and gravel in their victimhood.

Bottom line issue - don't ever let a mentally ill person use their disability as an excuse for bad behavior. And don't feel guilty for (gently) calling them out on it.

What Your Attachment-Challenged Friend Wants You To Know

2007-12-02T21:35:00.000-08:00

One of the more annoying aspects of being an adult with an attachment disorder is that I need constant (sometimes daily) emotional reassurance from the key people in my life. Unfortunately, this often gets annoying for people who are trying to be supportive because they get worn out from it. I realize it's hard to have boundaries with people who don't have a clue. And people like me can be real good at guilting others into doing stuff.

So I had this weird idea: What could people buy their attachment-challenged loved one for Christmas? Here is what I came up with. (Don't laugh.)

- A soft blanket or quilt: My adopted mom gave me a blanket four Christmases ago and I have slept with it every night since then, even when I was in the hospital. It has given me comfort without needing to ask her all the time for reassurance about our relationship.

- A bracelet, or necklace, or charm or some other piece of jewelry: I wear a necklace everyday that my adopted mom gave me three years ago. That way I always have a connection to her without needing to call her like every five minutes.

- A picture frame with a voice recorder: Have you seen these things? Great gift for the attachment-challenged person in your life. Put a picture of yourself in the frame and record a short message the person can play as often as he or she needs to instead of calling you all the time.

- A thoughtful hand-written note of encouragement: I have a birthday card on my night-stand from two years ago that I read every once in a while from my adopted mom. She wrote me an extended message encouraging me to dream about my future in a positive way (which at the time she gave it to me seemed completely pointless). This card was a wonderful encouragement when I first received it. Now it reminds me of how far I've come.

See, it's the little things that can mean a lot.

One more issue - If you are leaving town for the holidays, there is a good possibility your attachment-challenged friend will be feeling extremely stressed out. (This is seriously still traumatic for me; you can't even imagine.) He or she may even act out in anger against you on some other random issue because they don't know how to talk about the stress they are feeling. They may not even be aware of it. Don't be afraid to talk to them about their fears about you leaving on vacation.

Here are some ideas to help your friend get through times when you're unavailable:

- Tell them clearly what the rules of communication are going to be during this period. Are you going to be available by phone? Are they allowed to call? If so, how often? How long can the conversations be? Wondering what the boundaries are is the WORST for me because then I don't know when I've crossed the line until I've made the person mad at me. Remember - people with attachment problems have NO CLUE about emotional and personal boundaries so you kind of have to teach them, but in a way that doesn't totally demean their dignity as an adult. It's a very tricky balance.

- Can they send you a text message or email? If so, can they expect a response? Tell them very clearly not to raise issues of debate or emotional problems with you on email (unless you are inviting that). Email is for reporting, not therapy.

- Leave a note for them to read over and over after you go, assuring them that you will be remembering them and that you still care about them.

- Schedule an e-card to be delivered about mid-way through your trip.

- Leave a card or small present for them to open after you are gone.
You get the idea. Basically, think of small ways to affirm your loved one's need without driving yourself nuts. If you take their needs seriously, and are very clear about what they can expect, they probably won't want to manipulate you into spending time with them (unless they are psychotic).

The emotional needs of adults with attachment disorders can feel overwhelming at times - both for the patient as well as their friends and family. But any effort you take to let that person know their emotional needs are legitimate, while also helping them to getting those needs met in a way that doesn't totally drain you, will probably be deeply appreciated.

Short Respite

2007-11-29T21:00:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I am knee deep in schoolwork right now. My course ends on December 12 and I'm trying to wrap a number of projects so I can make the deadline.

Anyways, unless some major life event happens, I won't be posting again until after my class is over.

A Drop in the Bucket

2007-11-24T08:36:00.000-08:00

I am still processing my last therapy session from Tuesday. It was very intense (for lack of a better word).

A major component of my attachment deficiency is that I constantly feel like my ability to spend time with people who are part of my "foundational attachment" structure is dependent their schedule (and desire), not my need. (Ok, so I know this sounds childish, but bear with me here. I'm a 10 year old emotional child trapped in the body of a 37 year old woman.)

The source of my original trauma was an extended hospitalization stay that began when I was about 18 months old. My parents were forced to leave me there for several weeks. Can you imagine leaving a toddler alone in an unfamiliar place? I sure as hell can't. It was hard on them, too.

After that, I was put in a full body cast for six months. No one could touch me or carry me or rock me. My mother could barely change my diaper because the hole the doctor left in the cast was only about six inches around. This caused further trauma because I basically had no physical contact with people.

My dad has told me that in the beginning I cried when my parents came to the hospital to visit me, and again when they left when visiting hours were over (only three hours a day). After a while I cried less. Eventually, I stopped crying at all. What was the point?

This experience conditioned me to not expect to have my emotional needs met, to see myself as unimportant and unworthy of people's time and attention. Forming meaningful attachments to either of my parents was basically impossible. I felt abandoned and angry at them. This is what eventually led to my pursuits with same-sex relationships. Basically, I was in search of a mother.

As I grew older, I acted in manipulative and controlling ways in order to insure people would not abandon me. Of course, such efforts were counterproductive because people found my efforts so stifling that they abandoned me anyway. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now, as an adult, I know that I'm valuable and there are people in my life who love me. But those "abandonment anxiety" neural pathways are so ingrained in my brain from three decades of thinking this way, that change doesn't come easy.

The problem I have now is that my emotional needs are still so great that they far outweigh the appropriateness of the relationship. (At least I know that now. It was really hard for those around me when I didn't.) The problem is, understanding the realistic limits of the relationship is way different than emotionally accepting it. I am cognitively more mature than I am emotionally.

When people have time limits, to me it feels like I am re-enacting the abandonment in the hospital all over again. On a daily basis. And so, whatever time people do spend with me feels like a drop in a giant bucket that can never be filled. (I think I am still angry at my parents for leaving me there in the first place. How could they do that? I wouldn't leave my child behind. They tell me "times were different then"; you just didn't question what the doctors told you or hospital regulations. And that's probably all true. But I'm still angry.)

I have been trying to learn how to turn to God during those stressful times. But the need for direct human contact can be so overwhelming for me, that it makes me vulnerable to making very stupid decisions at times.

It has taken me a lot of time, money, and effort to figure all of this out. It's no mystery to me why attachment disorders are considered by many professionals to be impossible to cure. Once the damage is done, it's done. Undoing it requires re-parenting, a high degree of motivation from the child, and a hell of a lot of luck. In the process, the patient must be willing to tolerate an incredibly high amount of emotional pain for the better good of preserving healthy relationships. The easy thing to do is just stay in dysfunctional relationships and get my emotional and physical needs met in short-term situations. For me, bad relationships are like a drug. Oh sure, over the long term they can be destructive. But in the here and now, they feel like they solve all of my problems.

The challenge for me is to not fall into old patterns of behavior by containing my anxiety enough that it doesn't damage my current relationships. Ideally, my relationship with my psychologist should be adequate. But I am unable to afford to see her as much as would be helpful. I can only afford to see her once a week. Twice a week would be ideal. It would also be $850 a month. That's the same as our mortgage. But when I only see her once a week, it really does feel like a drop in the bucket.

Sorry this post is sort of depressing...

Thanksgiving 2007

2007-11-22T19:25:00.001-08:00

I never realized how challenging the holidays can be for some people until I was in the hospital two years ago. Out of 30 people in my group, I was one of maybe five who actually had family they enjoyed spending the holiday with. That's pathetic.

In spite of everything I've been through with my parents lately, I'm still very grateful for what I have. Many people have far less.

If you're reading this and you're alone today, please know that God loves you and has not abandoned you. In eternity, you will never be alone again.

P.S. My dinner turned out well. Nothing was burned. Everything was edible. And nobody got into an argument. Damn good.

Another "First"

2007-11-21T22:36:00.001-08:00

My psychologist is on vacation for seven days. Selfishly, I hate it when she goes on vacation. But I do know it's important for her to get away and her family deserves to have uninterrupted time with her.

But I still hate it...

In commemoration of her being away, I filed yet another complaint with my insurance company about their stupid unwillingness to help me pay for treatment.

In other news...

We are having Thanksgiving tomorrow at our house. This is a huge first for me. I generally don't "do" company. And I definitely don't "do" holiday company. Having company is very stressful for me. Normally, I'm so depressed this time of year that having company is the last thing on my mind. No way, no how. I can usually hardly get out of bed.

But given all of the recent drama with my (real) mother about Thanksgiving, my husband had the brilliant idea of having my mother over here. Oh sure... no problem... that doesn't sound stressful at all...

I don't know anything about cooking a turkey. I don't know much about cooking, period. I am too busy parsing Greek verbs and reading about the finer points of the Trinity.

And then there is the whole house cleaning issue. My mother is like borderline obsessive with how clean her house is. Of course, she doesn't have a husband and two kids to contend with. So I have had to run around the last several days and get the house clean. It's not perfect, but I do have clean windows, mowed grass, and clean china.

Hopefully, making this effort will help her know how much we appreciate her and smooth over this whole moronic situation with her feeling wounded about my dad's invitation to Thanksgiving.

I am just glad that I have been feeling better lately and I do think we are doing the right thing to smooth things over with my mom.

Lamp Update

2007-11-20T15:24:00.000-08:00

I have been using my lamp for one week now. It might just a placebo effect, but I do notice an improvement. I worked in the yard for two hours this morning. Boy, it sure feels good when I'm not all muddle-headed with depression. I can actually get things done. Today is the best day I've had in several weeks. This is what my "normal" feels like.

My Crazy Parents

2007-11-19T22:00:00.000-08:00

My parents have been divorced for 35 years. 35 years!! And they're just as angry with each other as they were 35 years ago. They are irrational and completely unable to be in reality about anything that involves the other.

Last week, I made the mistake of telling my mother, just in passing, that "it would be nice" if my parents could get along well enough to be in the same room with each other on Thanksgiving for the sake of my children. I mean, my best friend is able to do this. Hell, she has two ex-husbands. And she is on pleasant speaking terms with both of them. What a concept!

But I know this is a sensitive issue and I was careful to immediately follow up my comment by saying, "I know you don't, and I respect that."

She went off on me. I had to listen to 20 minutes of her telling me that I "don't understand" anything. I don't understand?! I don't understand?!

Ok, remain calm. Take some deep breaths...

I tried repeatedly to tell her that whatever happened in the past between her and my dad is between them. I just wanted to talk about Thanksgiving.

Did she listen to that? No.... She just kept piling on the guilt and martyrdom about me spending Thanksgiving with my father and her being alone. I assured her that she wouldn't be alone. I just hadn't figured out all of the details yet. Like, would I go to her place first and then to my dad's? Or, the other way around? Or go to my dad's on a different day? I asked her to give me two days to try and figure things out.

Oh no..... she wanted an answer right that second. I tried to explain to her that I am 37 years old and that having to make a decision about which parent to spend the holidays with is still very new for me. (I have only been on speaking terms with my dad for two years.)

Did she have sympathy for this? No, she went back to "you don't understand." Yeah, yeah, yeah...

But what really did get me upset was when she said that my dad and step-mom's invitation to Thanksgiving is "insincere." Insincere? And my mother knows this...how? Given that she hasn't talked to my dad in 19 years and has never talked to my step-mom, how could she possibly know that their invitation is "insincere"? The quickest way to get me really upset is tell me what someone's motivation is. I straight out told her, "You don't know that. You don't know that!" But she wouldn't back down. It was pointless. So I just dropped it.

(Ok, I sound really upset and I was, but in the moment, I thought I stayed calm.)

After that, my mom didn't talk to me for three days, which is highly unusual behavior. Then at church she tells my husband that I "get so emotional" when we talk about my dad. I get emotional?! I am not the one who gets emotional. I am the one who stays rational so that the whole conversation doesn't fly off into outer space somewhere.

And I can't say my dad is much better. Both of them think they are totally innocent in the divorce. Ok, well, my dad does think he bears some blame, but not a lot. And he really doesn't understand the whole concept about the problems being between them. In his mind, the problem is entirely about my mother being rigid and in her mind it's entirely about my dad cheating on her 35 years ago and just generally being an S.O.B. And of course, we know that people can never become Christians or change or anything.

Why am I explaining to 70-year-olds that it's not my problem they can't get along with each other? Do I really need to explain the fact that I didn't choose for them to get married? Or divorced? Or to be born to these people? They are acting like they are freakin' junior highers. "I'm not apologizing!" "It's all his fault!" As my four-year old would say, "Sheesh!"

As if I don't have enough problems managing my own psychological problems...

SSA in the Workplace

2007-11-17T19:40:00.000-08:00

This post is about sex. So, if that bothers you, skip it.

The profession I work in is about 95% male. Thankfully, this doesn't bother me. I'm used to it by now. I don't even really think about it anymore. Plus, I've generally gotten along with boys better than girls my whole life, even when I was a kid.

This means I sometimes find myself spending time socially with male colleagues (in groups). Frequently, this involves good discussions about theology over meals. I have no choice but to learn how to navigate in a man's world and "hang out with the guys."

I realize that co-ed situations like this might make some people feel uncomfortable. But given my past with same-sex relationships, feeling attracted to male co-workers isn't as much of a factor for me as it might be for other women. Even though I have dealt with a lot of my SSA issues, I still don't find myself overly attracted to men. (I mean, I'm not stupid. I don't think I'm invulnerable. I still take precautions. It's just not as big of a deal for me as I think it might be for other women. That's all I'm trying to say.)

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. But I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else besides him. (And half the time, I can't even imagine how we got together given how much chaos I was in. But that's another story for a different day.)

Sexual attraction does affect me in my job, however. But instead of needing to watch how much time I spend with men, what I really have to watch out for is how much time I spend with women. And truth be told, there are certain women at my office I know I would be vulnerable to developing a relationship with for the wrong reasons if I was who I was several years ago. Or if I became spiritually prideful and stopped walking with the Lord. Even now, I cannot go out to lunch with these women or stop by their office to chat, or develop any sort of personal relationships with them whatsoever. I also can't travel alone with a woman on business trips, unless it is my adopted mom (we work at the same company). I have total accountability with my adopted mom about this issue. And believe me, she would call me out in an instant if she even thought I was acting inappropriately toward a co-worker of either gender.

I think the fact that she is 20 years older than me has prevented me from struggling with feelings of SSA with her. It also helped to bring to light the fact that my problems with SSA were really longings for a mother. Once those emotional needs started to get met, my issues with SSA just sort of dissolved. But that's not to say I'm not vulnerable to developing unhealthy relationships. It's just not an everyday issue for me the way it once was. And I'm definitely more aware and more accountable now.

For whatever that is all worth... Just what's been on my mind today...

Home Again

2007-11-17T08:39:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back. It was nice to sleep in my own bed last night after two restless nights in the hotel.

God is so good. Everything worked out really well. One of the things I was most nervous about is the fact that I am not good with networking. I don't like making small-talk with strangers. But the Lord just kept putting me with the right people. And I'm so grateful for that.

When I first got to the conference, I rushed off to a session. I was a little late so I sat in the back. After a while, I realized the guy next to me looked awfully familiar. I just couldn't figure out who he was. As we were leaving I glanced at his name tag. RB - of course! So I ran outside to introduce myself. That was a huge social risk for me. But apparently, we had met before (I don't remember that. But it's possible. I work with a good friend of his.) I couldn't believe he actually remembered me. As it turned out, we ended up spending quite a bit of time together at the conference because we went to many of the same papers.

After that, I walked to a nearby restaurant to find my dad and stepmom. My dad wanted to take me out for a nice dinner and he told me to invite a friend, too. So I called my friend from Portland, MG. I was so glad he came and got to meet my dad. After dinner, M and I walked to the main plenary session and sat together. That was was a huge relief. I would have hated to sit alone at that. There were like 600 people there, 95% of which were men.

The next day, I woke up and got ready to attend the sessions. I needed to get some breakfast first. I tried to be brave and go to the cafe by myself. I ended up at a table with two guys I didn't know. That kind of sucked. But just as I was getting ready to pay my bill, standing at my table was my old boss, WR. I hadn't seen him in eight years. Oh how wonderful it was! I just wrapped my arms around him and gave him a big hug (I know that's not the typical thing a person does with their old boss, but if you knew this guy you'd understand.) We stood there and chatted in the cafe for about 20 minutes. I shared with him some of the things I had gone through, some of the things God had been teaching me, and he did the same. He has been through some deep waters himself it seems. Mid-life crisis for him was very, very hard. I wanted to stand there for another hour and talk, but I knew he needed to run off and present a paper. So I just quickly told him that I have been trying to get back into teaching. He immediately went and found the current department chair and introduced us. He said I could send him my CV. We'll see if anything comes of it. But if nothing else, seeing W made attending the conference so worth it.

I knew the biggest challenge was going to be attending the banquet. That had the potential to be a total disaster for me. I got there early and walked around the lobby looking for MG. No luck. Once they opened the doors, about 1000 people flooded inside. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I was just about to give up and go back to my room. As I was leaving, RB saw me and offered to sit with me. He was also alone. He knows a lot more people. He said, "Let's see if we can find some of my apologetics buddies." As we were walking around, he noticed MG waving at me, trying to get my attention. There were two seats left at his table. So, as it ended up, I got to sit with two awesome guys and we had a good chat over dinner. Thank God!

I really feel like the Lord took care of me every step of the way during the conference. This was a huge deal for me. Being isolated and alone is terrifying. But everywhere I went, God provided people for me to connect with, just enough to help me stay sane and keep going. It built my confidence to travel more. So we'll see what God does with that.

Into the Wild

2007-11-14T06:40:00.000-08:00

I won't be posting for several days. I am leaving this morning for a conference. This is the first time I am doing something like this alone. So it's a big step for me. I feel like such a grown up.

I was going to have to drive down to the conference alone and find my way around town on my own. It is easy for me to get attachment anxiety when I am in new places. I can even become disoriented and lost. My brain just sort of shuts off. Normally, I only go on trips if my husband or my adopted mom come with me. But it just wasn't feasible this time. So I have been trying to be brave.

Thankfully, a couple days ago, my dad and stepmom offered to come with me. They don't know I have these problems. (It's really sort of embarrassing to talk about.) But I think the Lord knew I wasn't quite ready to be completely on my own and stepped in and put it on their hearts to volunteer to come with me. I am so blessed.

The biggest hurdle is going to be sleeping in the hotel room alone. Last time I did that (about 2 1/2 years ago), I almost had a nervous breakdown. And I vowed I would never do that again. But I am hoping that all of the progress I've made since then will help me get through this situation in a more productive way. Plus, I asked the psychiatrist for a few Ambien pills to knock me out at night. I did that on the Houston trip last year and it was pretty effective.

So, if you think of it, please pray for me. I'll give a report when I get back.

Trip to the Psychiatrist

2007-11-12T19:37:00.000-08:00

I had my quarterly visit to the psychiatrist today. I told him about the depression I've been struggling with the last several weeks and my theory about the shorter days. He suggested that I go ahead and get a full-spectrum light. Apparently, I need to sit under it two hours a day for it to do any good. I am happy to report that I found a light at Staples. So, I am going to have my husband set it up where I sit to be on the computer. That's where I spend most of my time in the evening. I'll give a report later and let you know how it works. Or if it works.

In the meantime, he temporarily upped my anti-depressant dosage for a few months. Hopefully that doesn't cause problems. Last time we started monkeying around with meds I was constantly on edge and wanted to do serious bodily harm to people. So I'm going to have to really be mindful of how I am doing.

While I'm on the subject, I wanted to comment on the story that came out a couple days ago about the use of medication to treat ADHD: "Drugs for ADHD 'not the answer'". Here are a few excerpts:

A study obtained by the BBC's Panorama programme says drugs such as Ritalin and Concerta work no better than therapy after three years of treatment.
The findings by an influential US study also suggested long-term use of the drugs could stunt children's growth.
It said that the benefits of drugs had previously been exaggerated...
But now after longer-term analysis, the report's co-author, Professor William Pelham of the University of Buffalo, said: "I think that we exaggerated the beneficial impact of medication in the first study.
"We had thought that children medicated longer would have better outcomes. That didn't happen to be the case.
"There's no indication that medication's better than nothing in the long run."
Prof Pelham said there were "no beneficial effects" of medication and the impact was seemingly negative instead...
Chair of the working group Dr. Tim Kendall said they were devising a strategy which was likely to involve training for parents as well as "behavioural interventions".
"The important thing is that we have an approach which doesn't focus just on one type of treatment," Dr Kendall said.

Now maybe I'm stating the obvious, but "duh!" Of course ADHD people need behavioral therapy in addition to medication. No medication by itself is going to change someone's behavior. Did we really need a scientific study to prove this?

My pet peeve is bipolar people who make it sound like taking medication magically makes you better. And then they gripe when their life is still in chaos and say the medication "doesn't work." (I was in the hospital with a whole bunch of people like this two years ago. I got so sick of hearing them complain.)

I just don't buy it. From my experience, the purpose of medication is to calm my brain down enough so I can process behavioral changes. Over time, as I practice new behaviors, new neural pathways develop in my brain and the behaviors become more innate. I would imagine it's a very similar process for people with ADHD. Anyways, that's all I'm going to say.

Connection

2007-11-11T20:19:00.000-08:00

My adopted mom left yesterday morning on vacation for eight days. She didn't take her cell phone or laptop. So basically, I'm on my own.

Separation from certain people, especially my mom, can be an extremely anxiety-inducing experience for me. And I had a tougher time than usual with her leaving. Unfortunately, my anticipatory separation anxiety really got the best of me. We ended up having a colossal fight the week before she left. She didn't speak for me for several days. Thankfully, I had the good sense to give her some space to cool off. And thank God we had a good conversation the night before she left and left on good terms.

I felt awful about what happened. What's really discouraging is that I tried so hard NOT to mess things up. I guess the one good thing in all this is that at least this time I was aware of what was going on and I did do much better than usual. I'm just still not where I need to be. I am trying not to lose patience with myself.

More than anything else I deal with, attachment anxiety is by far the most nagging problem I have. And my psychologist says that it is very difficult to get over because it involves years of incremental steps of growth and development. Basically, when I started treatment three years ago, I had the emotional development of an 18 month old child. I've come a million miles since then. But certain situations are still hard.

The morning my mom left on her trip, she sent me the following note:

Dearest K,

I want you to remember while I'm gone--that I'm thinking of you and praying for you every day many times throughout the day. I want you to know you are in my heart and in my mind all the time and nothing can change that. The greatest joy for me would be to come back and find that my trip didn't stress you out. If it does--that's okay, but I will rejoice when my being away does not cause you pain. You are very dear to me and always will be. Hold that thought and keep your eyes on Jesus--know he is with you and is your rock of strength--and you will make me extremely proud. I'll call a week from Monday and maybe we can make some time to get together on Tuesday.

Much love and many big BIG hugs,

Mom

Isn't she great? Even if I have to read this twenty times a day while she's gone, it helps. I'd love to have a good week, stay stable and be able to give her a good report. Yes, the child in me deeply wants to please my mom.

She Spoke to Me

2007-11-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

I had to face "her" again this week. My daughter had a hike with her troop and I had to go along. So anyways, I'm standing in the back trying to stay awake while this guy is talking about the finer points of barn owls, when this gal walks over to me and says, "Didn't you go to WC high school?"

Uh...oh... Quick... What do I say? So, I acted like I was clueless. I do that pretty well.

"Uh... yeah."

"Do you remember me?"

Me, looking puzzled. So, she continues.

"I'm K. My sister is T. Do you remember her?"

"Oh yeah..." Again, acting clueless. What the hell am I saying?!

Then I realized she didn't exactly know who I was after all.

"Isn't your name, D?"

"No, it's K."

"Oh yeah. And what was your maiden name?"

"H--------."

At that moment, a big light bulb went on in her head. So, I quickly changed the subject.

"So, how long have you been homeschooling?"

Well, maybe she'll at least stop staring at me now.

Seasonal Depression

2007-10-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that I tend to be more depressed in the fall/winter months and more manic in the spring. October and November can be particularly challenging for me. And it seems like every April I go on a writing binge (which I guess is healthier than a drug, alcohol or spending binge).

Yet another study came out this week that shows there may actually be something to my theory.

Discovering A Seasonal Pattern In Bipolar Disorder Symptoms May Have Implications For Better Management

Approximately one fifth of people with bipolar disorder, mostly those with bipolar II [which is what I have, by the way], find their symptoms wax and wane with the seasons...

Seasonal influences, particularly light and temperature, often affect mood in people with unipolar depression, too. Seasonal affective depression (SAD) is now a well-recognized disorder amenable to light therapy. It has been difficult to gauge the extent to which bipolar patients are experiencing normal seasonal mood variation on top of their underlying disorder from a more profound change in bipolar symptoms triggered by seasonality...

...researchers found seasonal pattern bipolar disorder was most likely to impact as an increased frequency of depressive episodes in bipolar II patients.

Anyone know where I can buy a full spectrum light? Maybe if I sit under it a few minutes a day, that would help.

Rewind

2007-10-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh. Tonight I attended an event for my daughter's girl's club. As we were sitting there waiting for the ceremony to begin, I pointed out to my husband that one of the leaders looked an awful lot like someone I went to high school with. I brushed it off though. "No way. What are the chances of that happening?"

Well, apparently pretty good. It really was her.

So what's so big about that? Because I was a complete and total mental patient in high school, that's why! I don't go to my reunions because, quite frankly, it's way too embarrassing.

I mean, where do I begin? The chaos of being bipolar and chronically suicidal? Or perhaps, having my attachment disorder manifest itself as Borderline Personality Disorder? Oh, and then there is the fact that I was involved in a "relationship" with this gal's sister! (You get the drift.)

God! I wanted to die a thousand deaths!

My husband just doesn't understand why I find seeing people from high school so terrifying. His response was, "Cool! Let's go talk to her!" I said, "Absolutely not! There is no way in hell I am going to go talk to her."

I'm fairly certain she recognized me. I mean, she knew me pretty well back then. I hung out at their family's home quite a bit over the course of a couple years. And I'm sure she would know about, uh, the "situation" with her sister.

I know she will never come talk to me - she is very, very shy. But I am going to have to see this gal every time I take my daughter to club and at all of the activities.

Damn. I always knew that a day like this would come. I can't hide from my past forever. I just wish I knew what to do in situations like this. I just get so paralyzed.

Mothers and Mental Illness

2007-10-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

Three and a half years ago, my four year old was an angry, scared little girl. And I was an angry, frustrated mother. It was a powder keg just waiting to ignite.

One night my husband sat on the edge of the bed and said, "That is one scared little girl in there." He gave me an ultimatum: either I get professional help "or else." I'm not sure what the "or else" entailed in his mind, but it probably involved getting me far away from my children.

I didn't think I needed help. I was fine. She was the problem. Looking back, I can see how foolish I was. Beyond foolish - destructive.

Here is yet another study supporting the key reason I started psychotherapy three and a half years ago.

Severe Mental Illness In Mothers Can Affect Long-Term Health And Development Of Children

If you are a mother and you constantly feel on-edge with your children, please, please, please get professional help. Look for a good psychotherapist who knows something about developmental issues. If you go to a therapist who doesn't seem competent, then switch. Do whatever you have to do to get help for the sake of your children.

Salvage Job

2007-10-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

I had a very special day yesterday. It wasn't necessarily "special" because of what we did (although that we very, very fun) as it was "special" because of who I spent it with.

This old friend and I go back a ways (10+ years). More importantly, however, is the fact that she is the only friend I have left from the period of my life that I humbly refer to as the "dark hole of chaos." She has endured a lot of painful shit because of me and she still wants to be my friend. Her long-suffering with me is a testimony to her Christian maturity. I am very blessed.

The Hip New Thing?

2007-09-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or are there a lot more ads lately promoting anti-depressants and bipolar resources? It seems like I can't turn on the television without seeing one.

And there have been a slew of newspaper stories recently talking about how some experts think the bipolar diagnosis is being given out to freely, especially to kids. Hopefully, questions like these will be answered in time, as the technology for using brain scans as a diagnostic tool gets more refined. I am imagining that goal is within reach in about 5 years or so.

I have had people (my dad) ask me, "Why do I hear about mental illness so much now, but not 50 years ago? Are people just making up mental illnesses? Is this for real?" Well, since I wasn't alive 50 years ago, I can only speculate. But I have a hunch that there was roughly the same amount of mental illness, it's just that some forms of it were more socially accepted. People didn't talk about child abuse or alcoholism or depression. Now they do (hypothetically).

What do you think?

Turning the Tables

2007-09-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

Well, well... in an ironic twist, the tables have turned. A couple weeks ago, one of the VPs stopped me in the hall to engage me in a conversation about a co-worker's performance. I did my best to redirect her to talk to the employee himself or his supervisor. But she persisted. Long story short, an hour later, she was still doggedly pursuing me.

After I finally escaped the conversation, my best friend strongly encouraged me to write down a summary of the conversation and send it to my supervisor. Honestly, I wasn't sure that was the right thing to do. I was kind of trusting her judgment (which is very good). The main concern is that this VP has a pattern of behavior of bullying employees, but people are too afraid to step forward. But my attitude is, I've already been to hell and back. What do I have to lose? So, I went ahead and wrote the report and submitted to my supervisor.

My supervisor came and discussed this situation with me this past Monday. Let's just say she wasn't very happy. She affirmed that I acted appropriately and that the VP, well, didn't. Now, this situation has been turned over to HR to deal with.

Speaking of HR, we finally have an HR person. Damn, I wish she was here two years ago. I think my situation would have been handled way different. Through her efforts, I think my company is finally realizing how much they screwed me over two years ago and mismanaged my situation. Dare I say, broke the law?

Now for the difficult part. This VP engaged me in a discussion about my disability. I did not report this part of the conversation to my supervisor or HR. If I did, I think it would add a whole other - rather serious - dynamic to this situation. Is it worth it? My best friend is absolutely insisting that I reveal this part of the conversation as well. I'm just really not sure. Do I want to go there? It's my word against hers? Who are they going to believe - a VP or a mental patient? My best hope is that I have an advocate in the HR person.

We'll just have to wait and see how this turns out.

Patch Treatment

2007-09-07T22:02:00.000-07:00

I have had a number of well-intentioned friends email me this week about a news story describing one scientific study being done where researchers are using seasickness patches to try and treat bipolar disorder. Personally, I think this sounds ridiculous. I have to wonder whether this is a case of a reporter globbing onto some sensational sentence in a press release and then embellishing it. Sadly, there is a wealth of good research being done out there that never sees the light of day in the mainstream media.

Now, I do think it would be interesting to study whether mood stabilizers could be dispensed using skin patches, thereby slowly releasing the medication and possibly cutting down on stomach and digestion problems. Heck, I'd be willing to be a participant in that study.

Something's Afoot

2007-08-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

Weird things continue happening to me at work...

A few weeks ago my boss dumped a memo on me that she was hurt by things I had done in the past, which caused her and the president to lose trust in me. Even though the things she said were highly unpleasant to read, in a funny sort of way this was a huge step forward for our relationship. This is a woman who struggles at the core of her being to be honest with people about her feelings. She avoids confrontation at all cost. So, just the mere fact that she told me how she had felt for so many years was a definite positive.

Unfortunately, the examples she gave me of my bad behavior made no sense to me. I don't remember doing any of the things she accused me of. But I went ahead and apologized because it was an opportunity to show her that I really am trying to change. It was a critical moment for me to not become defensive and display new behaviors. And, chances are, I did do something completely moronic at some point in the past due to my mental illness. And by and large, my employer has endured pretty well with me over the years.

Today, however, I took a major risk and shared with her that I was frustrated with a fellow co-worker. This was a huge step for me because ever since stuff happened a couple years ago, I stopped trusting myself or my judgment. But she actually seems to want to trust me and has asked for my help to resolve the situation by making my case to other executives. This is huge. Huge! It is a clear step forward that she no longer thinks of me as a total mental patient and trusts my ability to perceive situations and people accurately.

Now, the next step is for me to make my case in a straightforward, objective way - without crying!

And another weird thing. I have been pining away for two years about being thrown off the radio show that I used to produce and host. Again, because I am a mental patient. But then last week, I was finally able to emotionally let go of the situation in my heart. I was totally fine with not being on the show anymore. Then today, out of the clear blue, the executives ask me to produce and host a series of new podcasts. Isn't God amazing?

Burned Out

2007-08-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

My psychologist has been on vacation for three weeks and I am more than ready for her to get back. Tuesday is finally the big day. It can't get here soon enough.

I suppose the good news is that I had to deal with some rather significant interpersonal challenges while she has been gone and navigated alright on my own. But about three days ago, I reached the "end" of what I can do by myself. My brain is in total chaos at the moment.

I don't think this has anything to do with being bipolar, however. This is related to my attachment disorder. When people in my core group of attachments get busier than usual over an extended period of time, I start feeling really overwhelmed. Through therapy, however, I have learned that I shouldn't take such busyness personally. It's just "life." By and large, people aren't avoiding me on purpose.

Therapy has also helped to increase my resilience in such situations. I used to have almost zero tolerance for being alone. I had to have someone with me 24 hours a day -- literally. Now, my tolerance for not being the center of the universe has increased to several days in a row and can approach weeks if I am able to make some stragetic connections with key people. To me, this is nothing short of miraculous. Others would probably find me ridiculous. But when you've spent your entire life being stunted as an emotional infant then being able to grow and develop is a wonderful feeling. It's progress. It's hope for a better life.

In spite of all these successes, however, there still are some very real limits to what I can emotionally handle. And I'm soooo there right now. I need my psychologist to get back so I can have some time being the center of the universe and get my equilibrium back.

There is a Book of Revelations in Everyone's Life

2007-07-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here's one...

I found out today that my boss, the president of the company I work for, has been diagnosed with Asberger's syndrome, which is a form of autism. Holy crap that explains a lot! Here is a short excerpt from the description on Wikipedia: Asperger's includes repetitive behavior patterns and impairment in social interaction. However, Asperger's differs from 'classic' autism in that non-social aspects of intellectual development generally proceed at a normal or accelerated rate.
That is an absolute perfect description of my boss. Those of you who know who he is know what I'm talking about.

"Repetitive behavior patterns"? Uh yeah... This man has answered the same questions thousands of times for three decades and always, always, always gives the same answers, almost word for word. I've described his brain like a train-track. Once he gets an idea in his head, it is damn near impossible to rewire the words he uses to describe it.

"Impairment in social interaction"? No kidding. I have spent eight years of pain and misery trying to please this man who was chronically emotionless. I could never figure out where I stood with him. Now I know why. And I'm not crazy (ok, not completely).

"Intellectual development proceeds at an accelerated rate"? You betcha. This guy is a damn near genius. Smart doesn't really describe him. I prefer to say he is an innovative thinker.

His wife is having a revelation after 30 years of marriage to this guy. She knew he has struggled with "something" his entire life, but never knew what "it" was. This has done horrible damage on their sons who are convinced their father hates them.

Now, the cynic in me is thinking, "Well, if I'm not good enough to appear in public on behalf of the company because of a brain disorder, why should he be allowed to?" Because he's the president, knucklehead. Who knows? Maybe this discovery will make him more compassionate to my situation.

But here is the real irony. This guy is hated - hated - by another company. They launch all kinds of personal attacks on him all the time. And he constantly gets complimented for being so gracious to his enemies. But now he admits, "I'm not being gracious. I'm just lost in the conversation. I can't figure out what's going on." God has used this horrible brain disorder as a foundation to build a multi-million dollar company and bring thousands to faith in Christ.

Yes, my friends, our God works in mysterious ways.

I'm Hired!

2007-07-23T22:42:00.001-07:00

Well, here is the big reveal...

I have been trying to get an interview for a for almost 9 months. After numerous hurdles, including my entire application file being misplaced at one point, I was hired today! Those of you who know about the sticky hole I fell in two years ago, know what a happy girl I am right now.

Ecstatic is a word that comes to mind.

It looks like it will take about 6 months before I can get into the rotation of instructors. But that will give me some time to wrap up projects at my existing job and figure out some kind of transition plan.

Perhaps the nightmare I have been living for the past two years is almost over. Maybe. God willing...

The Winds of Persecution Appear to Be Passing

2007-07-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

Well, here's one...

The gal who brought racial harassment charges against me two years ago, which in turn triggered my journey to the bottom of life's barrel, told me a few a days ago that she was "wrong." So, it's official, I'm no longer a bigot.

(Sorry, I need to be a little sarcastic here because in my real life I am working hard to be gracious.)

During the course of my conversation with her last week, it just sort of naturally wound around to the topic of what the fall-out was from those charges. I could tell by the look on her face that she had no clue - no clue! - what the emotional impact had been on me.

Let's recap: I lost my job title (I still don't have a replacement title), I was demoted, I was kicked off the radio show I had hosted and produced for four years, I was barred from appearing in public on behalf of the company, I was stripped of a book contract, my supervisor was changed because the management believed he was too sympathetic toward me, I lost my dignity and people's trust (especially the trust of the other scholars I work with).

Yeah, that pretty much covers it.

As I filled in the picture for this gal, she flat out admitted to me that she "had a hand" in all of these things happening to me. She was responsible. I had suspected as much, but had no proof. She has now gone back to the "powers that be" and said she fully trusts me and that she would like to see me restored. Although this was certainly a wonderful gesture, I'm really not expecting anything to change. Let's just put it this way - I would be completely shocked if it did.

Even before the conversation, I was no longer angry. Last summer at this time, I was still very, very angry. I remember being in Boise this time last summer and still fuming. I could not have had this conversation and been gracious. And God knew it.

But by this point, I was able to look back and honestly say that if all of these awful things hadn't happened, I wouldn't be the person I am today. It took a horrible situation to get me where God wanted me. He had to strip me of everything that meant anything to me professionally because my entire self-worth was wrapped up in my job. After all, working was about the only thing I had any success at. I was completely unstable as a mother, constantly irritated with my husband, and completely mixed up as a friend. But when it came to work, that was at least a realm where I felt important and wanted and successful.

But it had become an area of pride and arrogance. And God had no choice but to strip away the thing I was leaning on for my self-worth if I ever had any hope of finding my true worth in Him, not to mention true happiness in my life.

I find it very ironic that just as this is all happening, I got a call for a job interview that I've been trying to get for a year. It happens the very week that this situation with the gal at work finally reaches resolution. And then, all of the sudden last week, I was told that the editors wanted me to finish a half-written book manuscript so we can try to get it done for Christmas sales.

To paraphrase the words of that great philosopher, Anne Shirley, maybe the winds of persecution truly are starting to pass...

Bipolar is a "Brain Disease"

2007-07-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

Well, here's something to look forward to...

Bipolar disorder 'shrinks brain'

People with bipolar disorder suffer from an accelerated shrinking of their brain, UK researchers have found.

Imaging studies carried out four years apart showed loss of brain tissue in the areas controlling memory, face recognition and co-ordination.

The findings, published in Biological Psychiatry, back observations that people with the disorder lose brain function over time...

MRI scans of the brains of 20 patients with bipolar disorder and an equal number of volunteers without the condition showed that everyone loses a small amount of tissue over time.

But in those with bipolar disorder, the loss of grey matter - where nerve signals are processed - was greater than in the control group...

Professor Guy Goodwin, head of the psychiatry department at Oxford University said the findings showed that bipolar disorder was a "brain disease"...

Read the rest of the article here: Bipolar disorder 'shrinks brain'.

Boils

2007-07-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

I have the plague. The entire back of my left leg is currently broken out with boils. I do struggle from time to time with boils, but NOTHING like this.

The only thing I can figure out is that it must be due to stress. Things at work continue to be strange. (I'll talk more about that later. I feel too emotional about it right now.) I have been working hard to meet a huge deadline and perhaps the emotional toll of getting through last week on my own is catching up to me. I have a huge job interview on Monday. Huge! It has the potential to get me out of the hole at work and move on to a better situation, so the pressure is definitely on there.

These are just guesses. I don't exactly know what the trigger is. But I don't FEEL stressed. In fact, I've actually been quite stable. My psychologist has been really sort of shocked at how well I've been doing.

So what does this all mean? I have no clue!

It does remind me, however, of Jane Pauley's description of her skin breakouts that would happen from time to time as a sign of internalized personal stress. One of these episodes led to her having a severe manic period. So I'm trying really hard not to think about THAT!

Big Brother

2007-07-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, I admit it - I watch Big Brother. It's my annual summer guilty pleasure.

Have you seen Jen? She is a total mental patient. I'm not sure what her specific personality disorder is, but it's something. Narcissism?

What's funny is watching her interact with the other house guests. They can't figure her out. Most of them try to avoid her, but she is so oblivious that she doesn't even seem to see what's going on.

If she hadn't won HoH last week, I think she'd be gone by now. Unless she wins the Power of Veto next week, she'll be gone for sure.

Wonder Woman

2007-07-17T18:54:00.001-07:00

I have never been very good at "handling things". I always relied on my husband to handle things. Anything and everything. And he did. Until two summers ago, when he decided he had enough. He didn't want to handle things anymore.

I was basically forced into growing up really fast. Either that or he was going to divorce me.

I feel like I have come a million miles since then. My husband was gone this past week while I stayed home with the girls. Alone. By myself. Solo. Did I mention he wasn't here?

Now, for those of you who don't know, when you have an attachment disorder, pretty much the most terrifying thing in the world is to be alone. But I did it. I got through the whole week. I handled problems. My children didn't fight. I cooked meals. I didn't get overwhelmed. I even drove to a new place, across four L.A. freeways alone. That is a FIRST in my life.

I AM Wonder Woman.

Insurance Companies Suck

2007-06-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'm mad as hell. I received word today that my insurance company wants me to transfer therapists from my current one to an in-network provider.

I have one response to this: they can NOT be serious!

Did they not get the memo?! I am bipolar with a co-existing condition of an attachment disorder. Taking pills under the supervision of the psychiatrist is only part of the solution. My treatment also requires long-term psychotherapy to help me learn how to form a healthy, safe attachment. To transfer to another psychologist after three years of monumentally successful treatment is stupid. It would essentially be like starting over.

I wish their pointy-head administrator could explain to me how is it cheaper for them for me to switch therapists or terminate therapy (which is the more likely scenario) and, in turn, exponentially increase my chances of rehospitalization?! On what planet is being in the hospital for three months cheaper than for them to reimburse me to see an out-of-network provider for one year?! Let's do the math -- uh...$40,000 for one hospital stay or $10,000 for a therapist who can treat me for an entire year (and who can also help me stay OUT of the hospital).

This makes no logical sense. It makes no economic sense. It makes no medical sense.

It's just plain stupid.

Once I get done being mad, I'll start the appeals process. In the meantime though, I'll have to terminate therapy which will, again, increase my chances of being hospitalized.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Paris Hilton Nonsense

2007-06-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the "insanity" that is known as Paris Hilton, mental illness is once again getting negative exposure in the press. This week we all had to endure the blow-by-blow descriptions of her jailhouse drama. One day she was in, a couple days later she was out, and then suddenly she was in again.

I don't think one rational person in the country was buying the whole "medical condition" story (I'm not counting the 20 deluded teenagers who think she is a victim). Thus, out of sheer curiosity, I endured 60 minutes of Sheriff Baca's ludacris press conference as he tried to explain why he let her out. During the conference, Sheriff Baca let it slip that her situation was a psychiatric problem.

Now, if I were to give Hilton the benefit of the doubt, I could speculate that her symptoms were related to substance abuse (e.g. withdrawal). After all, chances are that she drinks alcohol at all of those parties she has to make appearances at. (You know the ones where she gets paid $100,000 just for showing up?)

But my hunch is that I am being way too optimistic. I think it is more likely that this is a classic example of a spoiled child having a hissy fit. My bet is that her so-called psychiatric "condition" was that she was in hysterics. She has most likely never received a consequence in her entire life.

My concern, however, is how stupid this makes genuine psychological problems appear. Great, in the world's eyes, I'm now on the level as Paris Hilton, the world's most spoiled child.

In Mental Illness And In Health

2007-06-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

I have been experiencing intense guilt lately concerning my mental diagnosis. To be completely candid, if we didn't have children I am not sure my husband and I would still be married by this point. I would like to think that he loves me unconditionally, no matter what my diagnosis is, but I have learned emotional acceptance and duty fulfillment can be two very different things.

My theory is that the chaos of my mental illness just flat out wore out our marriage before I started to get better. And now, it seems like any progress I make in my recovery will simply never be enough to repair the emotional damage I have inflicted on him over the years. Many days, it feels like I am climbing "Mt. Impossible."

All of these years, my husband has been my number one supporter. Now, he just wants to have complete emotional separation from me. It breaks my heart. It seems that there is no amount of apologizing or taking responsibility that relieves his suffering. Even so, I am doing the best I can to honor his wishes to stand at an emotional distance, with the hope that the respect I show him will demonstrate in some tangible way that I am trying to take his feelings seriously (something I never did before). I am trying my best each day to keep my recovery to myself. I don't share information concerning my situation, what I am working on in therapy, or whatever med changes I may be going through with him.

In my ideal life, we could grow past the pain we've caused each other and learn how to be mutually supportive and compassionate, without either of us dominating the other. But, at this point, most acts of support and compassion toward me feel so suffocating to my husband that it simply isn't possible. So I have chosen to let his needs/wants and desires to come first in almost all situations. And I have come to accept the reality that only God can get my husband "unstuck" from the pain I've caused. I can only pray that God will keep any root of bitterness from taking root in my heart as well during this season of our lives.

Frank Discussion

2007-05-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

Country music star, Gary Allen, appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show last Thursday to talk about his wife's suicide. This was his first appearance to discuss this topic since it happened a couple years ago.

Apparently, she asked Gary to go get her a soda and while he was in the kitchen he heard pops in the bedroom. She had put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger.

Sadly, this is yet another example of what happens when the general public don't really understand depression or mental illness. Allen's wife exhibited all of the classic signs of depression. Yet, no medical professional ever referred her for help or told her that she might be depressed.

I am not a big Oprah fan, but am grateful that she devoted an entire show to this important topic. The more information we can get out to people the better.

Reflection

2007-05-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

I saw myself today - or at least what I was - or could have been.

There was a woman sitting next to me at my child's baseball game who just wouldn't shut up. She was really annoying me, but I couldn't figure out why. Then her (I'm guessing) 12-year old daughter came over to ask her a question. This woman's tone of voice when she talked to her daughter was so bossy and obnoxious that it made me want to stand up and sock this woman in the face.

The problem was, it was like looking at myself in the mirror - or at least what I used to be - or could be.

After the game I noticed the woman in an argument with her husband. Actually, it was the husband who was arguing. He kept saying, "How can I change?! What have I done wrong?!"

Ouch.

I was flooded with emotion for both the husband and the wife. Sad for the husband because he was obviously trapped in a marriage with a woman who was just plain mean. But there were two children at stake and he was trying to make the best of a really bad situation.

I also felt tremendous empathy for the woman. She doesn't realize how much pain she is in. She is reacting out of anger, trying to protect herself from something. In the meantime, she is alienating the people in her life that really matter - her husband and children. Unless she has a dramatic confrontation with the truth, she will most likely get the one thing she is the most afraid of - being alone.

I just can't get the image out of my head. The helpless, well-meaning, but exhausted husband. The wife's emotional needs that were wearing out their marriage. And the children caught in the cross-fire.

She is what I was not so very long ago.

In Print

2007-04-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

Several months ago I submitted a short respose to a magazine query asking for people to write a 100 word answer to the question, "Given the genetic risks, would you have decided differently about having children?"

Apparently, the magazine received hundreds of responses. Supposedly mine was one of the ones selected for print. The issue is now out for sale. The article is entitled, "When Conception is the Question." Unfortunately, I can't find a store that actually carries this magazine yet to see if my statement actually made it in.

My response was something to the effect that if I had known then what I know now about my diagnosis, I probably would have decided NOT to have children. That being said, I can see how God has used my children to force me into recovery. Every day I look into my children's eyes, it motivates me to continue treatment, no matter how difficult it is. God, in His grace, gave me children as the path that has led me toward health. Yet, my girls also make managing my disability so much more challenging on a daily basis. It's a very weird situation.

Update

2007-04-13T09:22:00.001-07:00

Well, it's been about 6 months since I last posted. There probably isn't anyone left checking this blog, but oh well. Thought I might start posting again from time to time.

When I wrote my last post, I had been forced into quitting psychotherapy. Boy was that a traumatic period for me. But God was gracious. I wrote a complaint letter to my health insurance telling them that they were making a very foolish decision not to cover my psychotherapy because I would most likely end up back in inpatient treatment, which would cost them more in the long run. Can you believe that within two days I received a phone call from the director of the mental health division of our insurance company? He worked with me on getting reimbursed for all of my therapy expenses for 2006. It ended up being several thousand dollars, which I have in turn reinvested in more therapy. Since then, I have continued to make steady progress.

I am now experiencing longer periods of being stable and seem to be increasing in my ability to handle situations that would have been debilitating to me before. Even my mother has noticed profound differences, which is a huge step.

That's about all for now. Will try to keep giving updates at least once a week.

Signing Off

2006-09-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I think this is the end of this blog for a while. It has kind of run its course for me for now. There are still a lot of things going on with my recovery, namely that for financial reasons I have been forced into quitting therapy. But I just don't have time to keep up with this anymore. Maybe I'll post here once in a while if something pops in my head, but I'm not making any promises.

I do hope, dear reader, that you have enjoyed my little adventure and that it has helped you have more compassion and awareness of mental health issues.

God bless.

Shame On You, Dr. Phil

2006-08-17T07:45:00.001-07:00

I like Dr. Phil. I don't watch him everyday, but I do catch his show every once in a while and enjoy his common sense approach to solving problems. But my friend alerted me a couple of days ago to an episode about bipolar and how awful it was. So, I went on Dr. Phil's web site and read the transcript. She was right. It was awful.

It perpetuated all of the usual stereotypes. Bipolar people are mean and unable to control their erratic behaviors. I mean, it would be one thing if the woman profiled was totally unaware of her diagnosis. But she wasn't. She knew she was bipolar. But she wasn't getting treatment (another stereotype -- bipolar people don't act responsibily in their treatment program), not seeing a psychologist, not taking medication, not seeing a psychiatrist. Basically, it looked like she wasn't doing anything to get better other than releasing endorphins by raging at her kids.

Here is a link to the transcript if anyone wants to read it: "Extreme Highs and Lows" (show #685).

Another pet peeve of mine -- she says she's tried every type of treatment and nothing's helped. That's bull. Therapy isn't magic. You have to put something into your recovery. A lot of "something". Recovering is painful. It takes daily, persistant effort over a long period of time, years in fact. You have to be willing to admit all the ways you've wronged people through your irresponsible behavior. Being mentally ill isn't an excuse for verbally or physically abusing your children. A responsible person would see that they are out of control and take active steps to do something about it.

You also have to be willing to change behaviors that are ingrained patterns in your brain. Especially when you have to give up an addiction that has been a main coping mechanism for dealing with the pain. I can tell you from first-hand experience, this is NOT easy. I think the woman in this episode is addicted to raging at her children. Her children were right to be skeptical of Dr. Phil's forced apology. That isn't going to solve anything. You can send a mentally ill person to all of the specialists in the world but if the person doesn't have the fortitude to made huge changes then recovery won't happen.

Why didn't Dr. Phil highlight a person like Jane Pauley or Patty Duke who has managed their mental illness and gone on to live wonderful and meaningful lives? One thing we don't need is more perpetuation of mentally ill stereotypes.

Game Therapy

2006-08-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

I think I discovered a new form of therapy while I was on vacation in Boise.

Before I started psychological treatment two years ago, I was completely unable to play competitive board games or card games of any kind. I couldn't focus and I'd always end up getting frustrated and angry. But while I was in Boise, my best friend wanted us to play cards and Monopoly. This was the first time I had ever attempted playing games since being on medication. I warned her ahead of time that this may not work out too well. She gave me the freedom to stop if I started feeling too upset.

Much to my surprise, I was able to do it. I really had to focus, but I was able to play and stay calm and not get angry. And I actually had fun. When I told my husband I played games for fun on vacation, he was shocked. He asked, "And you didn't get angry?" Nope.

When I was in the hospital last fall, we had art therapy on Fridays. It was supposed to help us increase concentration while adjusting to new medication. It was also a way to relax after going through a whole day of intense treatment in group therapy. But I think that playing games would also be a good group activity for people at the hospital.

Maybe playing a game or doing a craft together is something you can try with a friend who struggles with depression or schizophrenia or is bipolar. It's a way to spend time with a mentally ill person and show them you care without having to engage in a really deep conversation. Just throwing that out there for whatever it's worth...

The Big Push

2006-08-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

You know how in labor, just before the baby comes out, there is a whole bunch of intense pressure and then relief? Ok, so I don't know this from first-hand because I've never actually been in labor, but I have it on good authority that this is what happens. Anyways, I feel like that is what is happening to me right now on a couple of fronts.

After a week in Boise with my best friend, praying every day for progress on reconciliation with my co-workers, I came back on Monday to some rather dramatic changes. Around noon, I went upstairs to eat lunch in my friend's office (the same friend I went to Boise with). When I walked in, she was crying. In two years, I've never seen her cry and we've been through some pretty tough emotional stuff together. She only cries in private. It's what comes of living for 18 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. She learned how to have complete control over her emotions, saving them for when she was alone. Anyways, I digress. When I saw she was crying, I knew that something "big" must have just happened. She said that she had just had the "most amazing" conversation with the gal who brought the racial harassment charges against me last fall and that she is ready to just put the whole thing behind her. She never meant to let things get this out of control and she really does think highly of me. (Uh...ok) I'd call that a miracle and more than I ever could have imagined in terms of answered prayer. Now I am praying that God will give me an opportunity to talk to this gal directly and that we can finally get things square between us. Maybe the winds of persecution are finally starting to turn.

Then, later in the afternoon, my boss (you remember him, the one who hasn't spoken to me in 10 months) came and plopped himself down in my office and wanted to know how I was doing. I was shocked. This man does not initiate conversations. He avoids anything that even looks like it might be confrontational. And yet, here he was, three feet in front of me wanting to know where I was at in my journey back to the real world.

Thankfully, my friend and I had literally spent hours praying and talking about how I would respond if anything like this ever happened. I was calm and I was ready. The Holy Spirit was with me. Basically, he invited me to rejoin all of the staff socials and meetings.

He also played 20 questions with me about being bipolar. He was full of all kinds of interesting "information" (mostly conclusions he had jumped to without even talking to me). His biggest concern seemed to be that I would start feeling better and stop taking my medication. I shared with him my little incident several weeks ago when I couldn't get my prescription filled in time. (Aren't you just amazed at how God uses little incidents in our lives for good?) I told him, there is no way I can stop. I simply have way too much at stake -- my husband, my children, my parents, my friends, my job. Stopping is simply not an option for me unless it is under a doctor's supervision in which case I promised I would inform him.

I did explain to him that I work much more slowly and methodically now, as opposed to before when I could do all this crazy stuff within hours or days. My brain doesn't spin like that anymore. And really, the last six months I've been getting used to working in a whole different way. I think this actually made sense to him.

What I thought was interesting though is that his "distance" from me was, in his mind, a compassionate thing to do. He was giving me time and space. I wish he had actually come and asked me directly how he could best support me instead of deciding for me, but be that as it may, his heart was in the right place. It really goes to show how if you don't have all of the truth, then it becomes very easy to distort reality. All these months, I've interpreted his silence to mean that he was angry at me. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think he felt paralyzed and like he didn't know what to do, but he still cared for me the best way he knew how.

I can see that there is still a lot of stigma about mental illness to overcome with him. But that's ok. I'm willing to do the work and be patient. I am believing more and more in my ability to communicate with people in a positive way. And that feels highly encouraging.

I don't know where all this is leading, but I do feel very encouraged. I'm just following wherever God leads. And God certainly seems to be at work in ways I've never seen before. It's truly amazing to watch.

Reality Therapy

2006-07-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

I checked out a book called, Reality Therapy, yesterday from the library. It was written in the 1960s, but many of its observations seem extremely relevant for today. At its essence, it puts forth a psychological theory that the main problem with "mentally ill" people is that they don't act responsibly and that it is the therapist's job to help the client figure out why their life is in shambles and how to change their behaviors so they can put it (back) together. Although explorations about the past can be helpful, they don't become the focus of therapy. Instead, the focus is on how to make life better by performing morally right actions (yes, the author actually believes there is such a thing as objective right and wrong).

In essence, I think this is the kind of "therapy" that my best friend has been doing with me for the past two years. She isn't real interested in stories about why people should feel sorry for me. Instead, she is constantly trying to "pop" me into reality and figure out better, more compassionate ways of dealing with people (because obviously my ways of dealing with people in the past simply don't work!). I can also see some of the "Reality Therapy" dynamics involved in what my psychologist does with me.

My only criticism of the book is that it doesn't incorporate the research related to brain scans. Of course, in fairness, that technology wasn't around in the 60s. In fact, it wasn't even around 2 years ago. But it would seem that the author's psychological model needs to somehow account for this new data (scientific research). I can see a way that could be done, however. If it can be adequately demonstrated that the brain's neuro-pathways can be 'reprogrammed' through his type of therapy, then it would add credence to his model.

His model also needs to do a better job of discussing the role of psychotropic drugs in the recovery process. And again, in fairness, psychotropic drugs were pretty primitive in the 1960s. Huge advances have happened just within the last 5 to 10 years. What we do know is that it simply isn't prudent to dismiss all psychiatry. The Andrea Yates case is a perfect example of what can happen when the medical aspect of mental illness is ignored. But again, it seems like more research into the brain's ability to reprogram itself needs to be done because there are a significant number of cases of people who go off their medication (under doctor's supervision) and don't experience relapses.

Overall, I would recommend the book to anyone struggling with mental illness or has a friend or family member with mental illness. It offers a helpful, practical dynamic for how to help yourself or someone else. Just be aware of the model's weaknesses.

Yates Verdict

2006-07-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts about today's decision that Andrea Yates was found not guilty by reason of insanity in her second murder trial for the bathtub drownings of her young children. Yates will now be committed to a state mental hospital, with periodic hearings before a judge to determine whether she should be released. An earlier jury had found her guilty of murder, but the verdict was overturned on appeal.

The defense never disputed that Yates drowned her five children one by one in the bathtub of their Houston-area home. But they said she suffered from severe postpartum psychosis and, in a delusional state, believed Satan was inside her and was trying to save them from hell.

I thought her husband's quote was pretty interesting: "The jury looked past what happened and looked at why it happened,'' Rusty Yates told reporters outside the courthouse. "Prosecutors had the truth of the first day and stopped there. Yes, she was psychotic. That's the whole truth.''

Rusty Yates divorced Andrea Yates after the children's June 2001 deaths and recently remarried. He said they are still "friends'' and reminisce about the children.

Wow. That's some serious forgiveness.

Do you think this is a step forward for mental health education and awareness? Or will only further misunderstandings about mental illness?

Crackpot Science (and Religion)

2006-07-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

In the last two days, I've read two press releases attributing mental illness to some rather unusual causes.

Schizophrenia: The Bearded Lady Disease - New Book Offers Evidence that Mental Illness Caused by Bisexual Conflict

Independent Researcher Discovers Caffeine Causes ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia and More

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

Pastor Says that Mental Illness is Caused by Demon Possession

Interview with Patty Duke

2006-07-24T12:50:00.000-07:00

This is an awesome video interview with actress Patty Duke from a Houston PBS affiliate. This will help people better understand loved ones who are mentally ill and what we go through.

InterVIEWS, guest Patty Duke

Jesus As The Great Therapist

2006-07-23T07:01:00.000-07:00

My devotion for this morning:

Matt. 4:23-24 Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and he healed them.

“healed” = from the Greek term therapeuo

As wonderful and insightful as my human therapist is, Jesus has an even deeper wisdom into my problems and is actually in total control of orchestrating the circumstances that I need in my life in order to heal. Jesus is available for a session to hear about my suffering any time, any day. The debt has already been paid, and entering into His presence is totally free. I can bring my suffering to Him and He will heal me, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but He won’t give up on me. Our attachment is secure.

A Really Loooooooong Talk

2006-07-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

I left on vacation this morning with my adopted mother/mentor/best friend/whatever she is to me. Anyways, one of the reasons we decided to go on vacation together was so that she could have some extended time to give me more input on ways that she sees I still need to grow. We needed some time to pray together and see if I could get to a better "place" about my work situation.

Well, she doesn't waste any time. We no sooner got to Boise and we're sitting in Carl's Jr. and she's ready to have a two hour discussion with me about what I need to improve on in terms of my attitude about work.

Here is my candid reaction to this talk: shit.

This is about the last thing I want to hear. More "stuff" I need to work on. But I have to say, she does have a rather clever plan for how I might be able to climb out of this hole I'm in at work while at the same time working on my interpersonal skills some more. But that's where the insecurity meter in me jumps into the stratosphere. Working on interpersonal skills means being vulernable with people that I do not have a secure attachment with. That pretty much is like drinking the poison Kool-Aid for me.

Yet, once I could clear my mind of all the "reactive" emotions (e.g. shame), I could see that she makes many valid points. Perhaps she is right: perhaps this is the opportunity God is providing me to work on many interpersonal challenges that I have faced my entire life. After all, what do I have to lose? I've already lost my reputation, my position, and my office. Why not take a slew more risks and see what happens.

She wants me to take more initiative to interact with people at work. She thinks I am being too isolating, which I agree, I am. One of my therapist's goals when I returned to work in January was for me to make more of an effort to socialize with people. I haven't followed through on that. And apparently, it's showing. People perceive that I don't want to interact with them. They're right -- I don't. I feel hurt and unwanted.

So basically, I have two choices -- I can stay stuck where I am or I can take some initiative toward resolution. Although I feel like I have taken many steps toward resolution, my friend had a whole slew of new ideas of what I could some. Some seemed very do-able. Others, terrifying.

The conversation felt a little like me telling my daughter, "Trust me" when I tell her how to avoid the path of trouble. I know my friend only has my best interests at heart and she would never tell me something like this unless she thought it was very, very important. So I have to respect that.

I'm tired. I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to learn anymore.

Dear God, help me walk by the Spirit so that I don't carry out the desire of my flesh.